one two three.

so, i was looking in the mirror. i noticed that i look different. i have changed, physically. i took my entire self through it, and another self came out of it. intact, more educated, but different. i thought about how much i could change within the next few years. i wondered how i would see myself once the time between then and now has passed. i'm hoping it'll be the opposite of what i feel when i see what i am seeing now.

you know how 'they' say that we are twice helpless children, once adults? we are dependent upon others and their care for us in order to survive twice during the life cycle; once as infants, once being elderly.

having said that, i separated the life cycle in a different manner.

as a child, you learn to live within the limits of containment set by authoritative figures; such as parents or caretakers. you are contained by their ideas of who you should be, and what you should be allowed to do. you are convinced of who you are, sometimes without it needing to be said. you measure how good or bad an action is according to the level of disappointment or anger it would cause them, rather than the by the level of fulfillment you could possibly feel. how you feel doesn't matter. you don't have feelings. nobody can get on your nerves, because "you are too young to even have nerves." the sweet, feeble, obedient, religious individual you appear to be, becomes who you are. that is how people see you. if they don't look into your eyes long enough. if you dare lift your gaze from the floor even though you are surrounded by grown folk. sound familiar? just curious.

you become a young adult. breasts forming, balls dropping, curiosity in full bloom. the hunter, as well as the hunted. after living within the containment of others' expectations, you begin to realize that you are an individual. you begin to see that being on your own isn't so far off after all. before you know it, that time comes. you can choose to live the way some one else thinks you should, or you can live the way you want to. your'e free. nobody to answer to about your personal life and decisions. even if you make a bad one, you take it and learn from it. it is your experience to make the best of.

i always compare this transition to the movement from a parents home to a dorm at the beginning of freshmen year. you can always spot a freshmen. friends over every night, at every party, lots of boys, lots of girls. its like a hunt, for everything but an education. they go into the 'world' and do all of the things they couldn't do while they were at home with their parents, not knowing they would run home after it all comes back to bite them in the ass.

i notice that as adolescents, we tend to be more reserved and religious. more modest, more obedient. adults sing your praises to one another, because you are such a good boy or girl. contained, but good. as soon as you get away from the restrictions of the house you grew up in, its all night life and one night stands. you can't appreciate what you had lived as during childhood, because you were contained rather than taught. nobody cared if you were truly a good person, as long as it looked that way. no depth, shallow, puddle.

after years of mistakes from being on our own, which we somehow justify by saying we were being 'young and dumb,' we become wise. (some)children usually prefer grandparents over parents for a reason. they teach us what they had to learn the hard way; even though they didn't HAVE to learn the hard way. we don't listen, and end up going through the same process.

this does NOT apply to everyone, just a pattern i am beginning to see in a lot of people. definitely doesn't apply to me personally, my grandparents were never a major part of my life. my mother has always been every type of parent for me. she taught me well, loved me better, and i love her more than life itself. i never went through "the freshmen phase" thank ALLAH, but i know plenty that have. its like we start off good, become young adults, use our youth to 'make mistakes' because 'we have time'-when we really don't. the time we should be using our minutes, breaths, and energy to do good is spent doing worthless, sinful things. by the time we realize that those things are a waste of time, we have no physical strength to do good with. we waste potential on worthless activity. we invest time into a market GUARANTEED to crash. it doesn't make any sense to me.

what am i doing? what are WE doing? smoke clears, glitter falls. buildings do too. so will you. act like it. oh Allah, please give me strength. protect me from laziness, wasting time, forgetfulness, and thoughtlessness. oh Allah, give others strength through me. my life is worthless if not spent in remembrance of You, which will remind others of You. Alhamdulillah.

shed tears for your LORD, and no one else. bismillah.

i confess.

i confess, i had someone confess to me recently.

i didnt think it would happen for a while, because i have become so good at avoiding the confessions. i always see them coming, early. so i run, early. it was a text message, of course. people don't actually talk anymore. they avoid reality. truth. human contact. the less personal it seems, the more bold people are allowed to be...right? funny world we're in.

anyway, i was told i was inherently awesome and admired for it. i then replied pretending to be oblivious, after which i told him i was taken. lol on that note.

i remember when that used to happen to me allllll the time. at the age of about 18, i decided i probably shouldn't have men as friends. it never really worked.

i want to say more, but i won't. restraint is best at times like these. i notice i make use of social networks much less when i am unwell. probably best.

in short, people suck. 'friends' are shady and do things they know you wont like just because they find it cute or entertaining. selfish creatures. luckily i'm me, and will continue to be for the rest of time. pointless to do what they do, it'll all be over soon.

buh-bye!

hola

in atl, and it is really snowing. i mean REALLY. smh. i run, it follows.

anyway, listen. i always end up doing things i don't really want to do. there is barely a way to prevent it from happening, because i may actually want to do it initially. sometimes, i change my mind half way through. sometimes i realize that there is no benefit for me. sometimes i just wanna take a nap and eat fruit snacks and breakfast cereal bars mid task. no solution at this point, just wanted to say it. hey, it bes like that sometimes.

my nails are finally growing back!!! woohoo! i hate when i have to clip them because my maximum of two broken nails has been fulfilled. the long, dreadful process of growing them back makes me growl to the moon. but it won't be long before they are back to normal. powww.

it is one of the worst feelings in the world to be involved, and it be empty. especially when you know you're so full. when you know you have so much to give, and offer. to teach, and to learn. sometimes, when im walking in the street, or out on one of my me dates, i see a couple. i look at their body language. they are uncomfortable, disconnected, out of tune-unhappy. unhappy together. then when you see the same couple apart, they are smiling from ear to ear. i always hoped that would never be me, again. its such a sad thing to see.

i wonder why he is never happy to see me. i have seen him happy to see people, but i never seem to get that same reaction. no point in questioning what you dont care to change i guess. cant force someone to be happy to see you. cant force someone to be happy with you. things fall apart before they come together sometimes. unfortunate.

mkay, i think im done for now. toodles.

i'm human and it hurts.

i don't want to blog about it, but i think i am gonna do it anyway.

my heart hurts a bit. corners of my lips turned down. neck tense. i care, but ask myself why i even bother. it is never, EVER, okay to behave as if the person you are 'with' is not even there. then to keep so much in, not to say anything. then to walk away without turning back, for no reason at all, and call as if nothing ever happened. how is it that the person who wants to go inside, treats me like an outsider? that shit is retarded. and frustrating. for as long as i allow it to be. is this a test to gauge how much i can take? doubt it, but either way it won't divert my direction.

i can talk about it, let it all out. i always do. but i'm beginning to wonder why i even do THAT. it renders no result, no progress, no change. people just do what they want to do. i guess i am supposed to just chalk that shit up? hah.

my heart is special. i never say it but i know it. my spirit is somewhere else, it only tolerates the places my body takes it to. the things my mind subjects it to. i should let my spirit lead the way, it seems pretty awesome. point is, i need what i can give. nothing tangible. just that thing called being there. feeling something. caring enough to show it. knowing what your eyes are saying to me, because you aren't afraid to look at me. to look into mines. takes strength, like staring into the sun. either you see it, or you go blind trying.

anyway, i think i'm done for now-in more ways than one. just gonna take me and my pouty lips to bed now.

if you have feelings, don't.

so i was thinking. i divide the average social life into three sectors. friends, lover, & family.

sidebar: family is a category of its own, but it fits into this one as well.

i'm back. so usually, if one sector is a little rattled, the other two are always there to balance it out. if two are screwed a bit, there is always that strong, dependable ONE. i wonder how people who don't have any of them feel. i think i can guess.

love, and love some more. nobody should have to know what that feels like.

mkay, bye.

btw-the world is such a cruel place. its like a prison, with a king size bed, wifi, and cable on a flat screen. if you get it, you got it.

pocahontas

when i was a little girl, and even now on occasion, my dad would call me pocahontas. i remember standing at the top of a hill next to the playground, and watching my khimar blow in my shadow as the sun would shine down on my back. it actually made me feel like pocahontas. remember, in the disney movie, when she stood at that precipice with her chin held high, hair blowing in the wind? my khimar=her hair. interesting. i only thought of that because i am sitting here, trying to get at least half of this 15 page paper done before bed, and playing in my hair. i wonder why people make such a big deal of it. i wonder why we always want what we don't have, then pretend to have it-which brings detriment to what we were already blessed with. try to fake it, rather than preserve. there is beauty in it all. i am learning to apply this notion to everything i am, and everything i have.

anyway, i was thinking. i miss having beautiful people in my life. i feel like i am losing them because of my incessant motion. always going, always gone, always away. you don't see me, you get used to not seeing me, until i don't exist anymore. long distant relationships become harder to maintain. oh well, as long as they pray for me when i die. i guess relationships are just as fleeting as the ground we form them on. if some one is meant to be there, they will be.

i wrote about this before, but you know those moments that you have with people that you don't want to end? the moments that are so much sweeter, because you are acutely aware of the fact that they will soon end. that you and the people whose company you are enjoying have a relationship that will probably deteriorate over time. wear away like compost. biodegradable. it wasn't on purpose, thats just the way it goes. some say. but i believe that it doesn't have to be that way. i believe that even when you aren't neighbors, or classmates, or co workers, or in-laws any longer-there is always going to be something to gain from knowing people in places other than where you are. just traveling different paths to get to the same place. thats how i feel about my distant soulmatefriends. paths treaded: houstatlantavegasegyptlondonmarylandphillytexascalinigerethiopiasomaliaeritrea...destination: Jannah. i am trying to keep in touch. i am beginning to see the importance of that. actually, i began to see that a long time ago.

okay, i'm done for the night. pray for me.

perplexed a bit.

usually, when i write, it holds the purpose of helping me to gain some sort of clarity. i can always make sense of it this way. if i forget at a later time exactly how i made sense of something that made no sense before i figured it out, i always have a [blogjournalemailnotepad] to use as a reference.

anyway, i was talking to this person today. for the first time, in my entire life, through all of the people i have met and places i have been, this person told me that i had, and i quote, "young traits." HUH??? this person could not form a single sentence to make sense of what he had said, so i help him out a bit and ask him if he was attempting to call me immature in a roundabout way. he said "no, that isn't exactly what i am trying to say, i am just saying i see a pattern." i, still perplexed a bit, continue to ask questions to try and figure out how he came to this conclusion. nobody, i mean NOBODY, has ever told me that i was immature. or that i had immature ways. it kind of surprised me, honestly. i think thats why i was so adamant about figuring out what he meant. then i realized, that i was a tad offended. THEN i realized, that he probably had some type of validity behind his reasoning. i think that he thinks he knows me, well. i know for a fact that he doesn't. i can admit that i don't always know how to deal with this situation because its so different from any other that iv'e been in. it isn't intimidating at all, i just have moments where i feel like i'm walking with a blindfold on. sometimes i feel like he tries to simplify things that cannot be simplified. things that require further explanation. but of course instead of asking for the explanation, he assumes that he already knows what i mean. it could seem simple, but i have layers. the things i say have layers. they, and i, are only understood by people who actively seek to understand. sometimes, THAT doesn't even work out. bottom line, you can't figure me out without my help.

i feel like i am saying a lot of stuff, and not really saying what i need to get off of my mind. frankly, i feel like i have stepped outside of myself. when i step out of myself, i put people under the wrong impression-naturally.

i am beginning to wonder if i have stepped outside of myself, or if i am actually changing for the worse. hoping its the former, and that it's cured soon.

keyshia cole just came on my pandora, omg. she is too mushy for me. all she sings about is broken hearts and being down for whatever. gross. gosh relationships are gay. lol

mkay, night.

knock me down

i hate this album, but i love it. it reminds me of gary. i don't want to think about him. i don't mind actually, it doesn't really bother me when he comes to mind. what does bother me is when i remember how that made me feel. it was the worst. tragic almost. i had details in the notepad in my first G1. it was broken, or lost. i don't remember which. i was sad when i lost it, because it was great writing. but later i realized that i needed to lose it. all of it. nobody needed to read it. not even me. how the hell did that happen? seems like a dream. a bad one, lol. mkay, i'm done.

meloveme.

blogging freely. nothing in particular to speak about, just letting a semi-load off.

love is amazing. it has to be the only reason resilience even exists. well, directly connected to it anyway. a subsequence. how else could we go on after we lose one of the most important people in our lives? how else could we be so forgiving when a person drags our beating hearts through the filth of carelessness?

anyway, i was thinking. could you imagine being an entertainer? through all of the very human emotion that we all experience-the pain, the hurt, the loss-the show must go on. i guess when you think about it, we can all relate to that. life doesn't stop for our hurt feelings.

so, i had another dream about douli. they wont stop. this one was sad. i felt like somebody snatched my heart out. he was gone. in all of the other dreams, he was there. smiling, still. living in my mind, through my memories. this one was realities blow to the chest. praying for him, and us.

i am going to be very honest with myself, and anyone who decided on reading this. i have a headache. my chest feels funny. my tummy is a little uneasy. i'm wondering what the point is. wishing i didn't feel this way. wishing i could go back to not caring. unfortunately its not that simple. i'm good, but i'm lost. inside of me. looking for something i want, or even need. problem is i'm looking inside, at what i want-and not outside at what there is. waiting for this idea that i have inside to become tangible. waiting for something outside of me to understand what is inside of me, without me having to make it understand. a soul perhaps. its too much to ask, apparently. not even i believe it'll happen to me. i have accepted this life as a test, fleeting. at this point i cant say that i actually expect anything from anywhere or anyone. i hear about what people can't do for me before i even ask. not that i would have asked anyways. making excuses for promises they never even made. i don't ask them for anything. i shouldn't have to. i shouldn't ask. so i don't. true, fulfilling, respectful, considerate, consistent, substantial love is a gift. the people who are blessed with it are very...blessed. if i could envy anybody for anything worldly, it would be that. luckily, i am too happy for them to be envious.

i had a dream this morning. i wont say who was in it, but i felt the most amazing comfort i have ever felt in a dream. his arms were so strong. they gripped that perfect spot around my waist. not that he needed to do anything else to make me melt, but he kissed that perfect spot on my neck. it just happened. thats just the way that we were. close. laughed. loved. his frame was perfect. tall, strong shoulders, my human teddy bear. mkay, done dreaming for the night. lol

i miss mama. and muffin. and my friends that aren't flakes. i'm going to atlanta this weekend. that means i have to put the pressure on myself to get all of this work done before then. ughh. gosh hes sexy, i wish he was normal.

they don't come to hear us sing there is glitter all over the floor make it light up don't you wish i think you need to i think i need to people are too impressionable susceptible dancing with a toilet???? oh my.

okay i am going to pray. i hope that i become a professional something before i die. i want to be especially good at something. then teach it. then get blessings for it. that don't ever stop. i pray Allah forgives me. i pray that i forgive myself.

can't see straight, can't think straight. maybe thats a good thing. nite

P.S.-ILOVEWHOIWANNALOVE! hehe.

look what i got!

idk blog, i just had to have them. jeffrey campbell, from nordstrom. also on karmaloop.

oh. thank. heaven.

the jacket is just fly. no denying it. its mine, we will be united in due time.

do you SEE those brown leather converse? all that know me, know i am not a sneaker freak. but these are way too fresh to pass up. owww!

the adidas are simple, but super cute. they are good for everyday type outfits.

the watch is hotness. i could pay 250 for a watch with a name that i like. or i could pay half of that for this gorgeous piece of time.

i am gonna start posting my findings more often. all of this is karmaloop. gotta love it.

confess.

so, i have a confession. its sorta embarrassing, but its my blog so i can do whatever i want. even if myself doesn't like it.

i want children. i love my babies even though i am nowhere near birthing them. i don't have names, because i want that to be a collective decision. i don't mind either sex, i love both. i want to raise them with love, mold them into geniuses. somehow find a balance between allowing them to learn on their own, and sheltering them from harm. i want to sing to them in a voice that far surpasses my shower singing. all that good stuff and more. but i'm afraid. i don't want a trillion stretch marks, swollen feet, super saggy boobs (they are huge), and/or a stomach that looks like a raisin. wow, i just read that sentence over again, and it seems so shallow. so selfish. but i'm afraid, and i am not going to deny it. i cannot leave out how i see the beauty in those things, on other people. but i know it won't be that simple when i see the beautiful flaws of motherhood attached to myself. i would love to hope that i can be one of the lucky ones, who have a baby and look better than they did pre-pregnancy. who knows. i just don't want to play myself into thinking that there is no alternative to my wishful thinking.

okay i'm done. i know i am saying this now, but once i'm pregnant all i am going to be thinking about is my beautiful babies. if i ever have any. if i ever find an appropriate daddy for them. lol. don't hold your breath. just typing random thoughts.

mkay bye.

upside down.

i absolutely adore micheal cera, hate when my boobs touch, and wish that i had that him. i am also almost positive that if i had a big enough room, i would have a california king bed. somehow. eff the if, WHEN.

i just had to get that out. anywhoo, just wanted to tell you i went and prayed. through prayer gained strength. i feel much better. i might stay up all night, get this work done. tomorrow is the last day before the break. i am planning to go to atlanta AGAIN. i admit, i really don't want to. i know my mother would have a baby cow if i don't though. maybe i will only stay for a couple of days. i kind of want to go with my dads side for the holiday. i miss them, i never get to see them. knowing this, i am sure i will be boarding that plane to atlanta tomorrow afternoon anyway. attempting to hype myself up as we speak.

i need a new iPod. i remember when somebody loved me enough to buy me one, just because i wanted it. those were the days, lol. i know it'll all come in due time. i have to learn to be more responsible, limit myself. seriously. i have some changes to make. as always.

mkay, out for now.

smooch

damn daze.

i cant wait to be done with formal schooling. i am so frustrated. so done. almost burnt out. ya Allah please bless me to feel as motivated as i used to. the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away. this semester is a black hole. i wish it would go away. i worked hard on this assignment that was due last week, now i can't find it on my computer or my USB. i didn't email it to myself. this is all too much. mental blocks, endless assignments, reluctant extensions. hellish. its late. i have been trying to lift this mental block for hours now. no luck. i have to be to school at 9am. tears of frustration kinda burn a bit. just end. just get me to the end. college. damn daze.

fly & float away.

i don't recall if i have ever blogged about the anxiety i have been experiencing as of late. it involves the 3rd thing i do more than anything. flying. i have been flying from one city to another since i was 15 years old. i was fine then, during my first flight. calm, cool, lucid. no clenching my fists for fear of crashing. i felt free.

recently, not the same feeling at all. my nerves gather and bundle as soon as it is time to ascend. passing through the clouds, turbulence ensues. inside of me and with the plane. then i look out of the window, every time, and wonder how a machine made of thousands of pounds of metal can stay up above the clouds. its amazing, truly. then i start to think of if it couldn't stay above the clouds. if the weight got to be too much. if a propeller blew out, or if the wing just fell off. if the fuel ran out due to a leak, or miscalculation. if i got onto a plane after telling my mother i would call her when i land, and never made it off.

it makes me wonder if the people who said they would call me back and never did would feel more sad, or more guilty. it makes me wonder if the people who make me promises and don't keep them will try not to do that to anyone else in their lives. i wonder if people who i have reached out to, even when they went in the other direction, will be pained by the memory of the last time they saw me. or heard my voice. or gave me hugs. i wonder who will be there for my mother, like i would be there for theirs. i wonder all of these selfish things that would no longer matter to me. but what i hope and pray for, is that whoever i leave behind will hope and pray for me. because i won't be able to do those things for myself any longer.

honestly, i hope i'm last. i don't want to ever be the reason my mommy is sad. i don't ever want to be the reason my brother cries, even though he would never admit that he would now, lol. i don't want to feel that loss, but i know that i could be strong for them. i know it. i hope it. i pray it. love.

signing out.

LOUD.

i wanna scream. i wanna jump, and roll, and move. i wanna spin, dance, sing at the top of my lungs. all in the middle of the night. while im in the middle of philadelphia. wishing i was somewhere else. somewhere with clean, fresh air. somewhere un-cold. somewhere where television doesnt exist as a commodity. where there are no artificial ingredients or people. hair wild, along with my spirit.

i wanna be FREE.

douli

many of the people that knew him will probably never read this. that is one of the primary reasons i am writing it here. i have purposely avoided posting multiple facebook statuses, notes, blogs, and tweets about him. not that i feel that anything is wrong with that, i just so happen to be the suffer in silence type. i want it to marinate. i want to keep his memory in my mind. fresh. i don't want to get over it, i don't want to feel better. i don't want to get used to him being gone. i want to contain the feeling i feel now, though it hurts and consumes, to remind me to pray for him as much as i can. that is all i can do for him. that is the ONLY thing that will benefit him at this point in our existence.

there is no pain that i or ANYONE can experience in this life, that can be worse that the punishment in the next. none of us are exempt from the possibility of being exposed to that punishment. every time i pray for him, it takes that possibility further and further away from him. i hope the prayers remove it from him completely. the collective prayers. i hope that through the pain, they don't forget that praying for him is the best thing that we can do.

even though he is gone, he still exists. he exists in a place we will all come to , but have not yet reached. he is reliant upon the people he left behind for progression of any sort. reliant upon the reminders he gave, the good he committed. i don't want to hear or talk about ANY of the bad or haraam he may have committed. it isn't funny, and it no longer matters.

i love you as my brother, and pray for you until i am incapable of doing so. Ya Allah, please bless us to die in a pure state of Islam, protect us from the torment of the grave and the fire, comfort the living, forgive the deceased. please help us to remain focused, and hold tight to the fact that we are travelers through a world of games and diversions.

ameen. love.

so, i just realized something. i have evolved from being an insightful, happy, buoyant individual, to being mighty melancholy. i fight with myself every single day of my life to find that place of happy, careful, carelessness again. i'm still me, but i miss her. i want her back. i over think to the point of pain. i almost always expect the worst, even though i am well aware of that fact that i should ONLY always prepare for it. i think this trip i am planning will take me to my happy place. i need to see something other than this. be somewhere other than here. physically step outside of the world my mind has already fled.

but then there is this fear of missing something. missing someone. my being needed, but unavailable. too far to be reached. too wrapped up in my own affairs, my own freedom to realize that i am needed. they are few, but they need me. since i am not permitted to need, i must accept my role in their lives as the needed. i will not allow this responsibility to stop me from living and learning, but clearly i allow it to limit one or both. i hate to admit it, but it is true. for myself and many others. we don't live for ourselves. if we do, we are selfish and myopic. when we don't, we suffer and deprive. finding my balance. hoping it will come soon.

bismillah, at the beginning and end.

admission

i can admit, with a tiny touch of hesitancy, that i can tell when people don't care as much as i do. i can also admit i wish that they did.

i have the feelings typical to human beings, but a bit more thoughtful, careful, laced with intricacies. specific to certain people, behaviors, habits. the issue i come across, quite often, is this: i do not suffer, react, or mourn in the same way that most people do when i am presented with the things that they have been presented with. subsequently, these feelings of mine go unrecognized and uncomforted. i have learned to subsist, to deal with these feelings alone.

i can admit that sometimes, i wish i didn't have to.

typing that made me feel better. okay, i'm done for now.

love.

WTFudge.

idk. thats all.

pushing it.

i am going to be totally honest, and admit that i think i force myself to like people. only occasionally, but i definitely think i do it. no, i know i do it.

examples: i met a young lady years ago. we did NOT talk at first, for reasons i am completely unaware of. time progresses, i was my formerly friendly self. we chatted here and there, but it didn't blossom. one night, it did. but i noticed what the reason was. i won't be too explicit because i don't ever want anyone to know who and what i am referring to. today, i think back. i think that the foundation of our friendship is superficial. i don't think she meant it. i felt it then, and i feel it now. she probably just wanted to keep me close, which happens. doesn't bother me any, especially since i can always tell. i think. there was a brief period where i felt as if we were truly friends, on the surface. but i still saw little things that proved to me that we weren't. we haven't spoken in a while, and quite frankly, i don't care. i don't miss her, i never did. i ignored her insincerity in order to keep the peace. now, i'm feeling like its much more peaceful to ignore her altogether.

he didn't want to be alone. i wanted a way out. i didn't know that at the time, but i do now. with much clarity. that isn't what i wanted. he wasn't what i wanted. but by the time i realized that it wasn't that simple, it had already been done. so i forced myself to care. forced a forged love. shouldn't have even given that. i learned what i learned, gained what i gained. had a first, without the love that precedes it. you live, you move forward.

time had passed. busied myself in between. purely entertainment. stayed pure, alhamdulillah. years passed easily, quickly. no longing or needing. gross. then the crowd parted, and he saw me. i think my sub conscience was tired of being single. tired of finding ways out of it. tired of ignoring calls, faux caring. done with turning away. i gave it a shot. heres the kicker: bchelmmtilhim. cant say that out loud. its mean. but its true. my nightmare came true. it ended. i was happy. relieved. my last case of non-love. i forced it because i was tired of being the over cautious, over thinker. i put my doubts to the side, to my own detriment. i was right, and i was wrong. may He protect me from making the same mistake thrice.

don't force it, let it flow. if you have to push it, push it away and watch it go.

there are more, but they are way to secret to share.

signing out with smooches

late night, sleep fight.

so, i'm in the bed. listening to chrisette. she puts so much emotion into her music. she means it. i love that.

so, i was thinking about myself, and others. about the cities within which i have resided. both against my will, and willingly. i think i really want to write a book. even if nobody ever reads it. just to record the experiences that have birthed my attachment, or the lack thereof, to these cities. i would have to write it, after convincing myself that nobody will ever read it. thats when i do my best writing i think. when i imagine that its only for me to be contented with. when i imagine that there is no possibility that it will be criticized or looked down upon.

so yeah, i'm going to start. it'll contain concerns, fears, memories, pain, firsts, lasts, love. every city has its story. and so does every individual that ever set foot in one. thats how it can commence. tip my teapot of a heart, and pour it out.

night loves

dreamy.

so, i found this website that i think interprets dreams from the perspective of Islam. here is is:

http://www.firdaous.com/en/0064.htm

one morning of last week, i had a dream during which i could not stop vomiting. i couldn't figure out why, but it just kept coming. it was tiring, but it didn't smell, nor was it painful. i woke up wondering what the hell that was about. i looked into dream interpretation. i went to this website, and typed in vomiting. it told me that vomiting in a dream could mean two things. it is a sign of repentance if it is without smell, and if it has a smell it means that you are hurting yourself. even though i feel as if both could be applicable to me, i was satisfied with it. my dreams are ridiculously detailed. crazy. full of feeling and depth. my dreams tell me things about people. i try to ignore it sometimes, but it never works. remember my dream in 08? i posted about it. it was pretty crazy how it came true, lol. mkay, just sharing.

love.

WDYLM

i am beginning to feel as if it is a hopeless hope. an endless search. impossible. to love and be loved. to give and be appreciated. to admire and be admired. to respect and for it to be returned.

i just want to make something labeled as complicated, into something simple. it is simple. it could be, anyway.

i say leave me be, they persist. i say i don't want to talk about it, they keep on asking. i say i want to be alone, my space is invaded. i feel alone, i am left alone. i can't be the only one who gets it. i can't be the only one who sees it. i can't be the only one. but it feels like it.

takers all around. drainers along with them. no support, no concern. its all about what i can do for you. what about what we can do for one another. wahala, smh.

its like, you come across people with these amazing qualities. but the closer you get to them, the less of those qualities that you come into contact with. that makes zero sense. to me, anyway. i thought it should be the other way around. the more i care, the better i treat you. seems simple enough, but who am i to go around making up rules of interaction.

on another note, i was supposed to move today. FAIL. the realty company told us today, when we were scheduled to move TODAY, that we couldn't any longer. that just ruined my entire weekend. its cool, Allah knows best why it happened that way. frustrated about other things, but i can keep it to myself. today is one of those days i need a hug. and for somebody to tell me it will be okay. i don't have any hugs in philly. at least none that are accessible. i'm going to pray dhuhr now. then write 2 papers. then possibly pack. once i get everything done i will feel better. inshaAllah.

okay, i'm done with my mopedy (made up, lol) blog for the week. back to your regularly scheduled programming. smooches.

donut holes.

hola blog,

i just ate a donut, and now i feel a little sick. i think i am done with those for a while. possibly forever. so, im pumped. i just scheduled my initial consultation with my new personal trainer. im setting up 6 sessions starting next week. she is pretty reasonable too. yayy! can't wait, it is long overdue. i am in need of a few get it right, get it tight sessions. i will keep you updated.

funny thing, i'm at school in the library right now. im on this computer, supposed to be doing work. i can't focus, im SO not into this semester. i can't tell if the preoccupation derives from some outside source, or if its alllll in my mind. i know that some part of it has to do with the fact that i didnt really have a chance to transition into fall from the summer semesters. i did pretty well this summer, but everything happened so fast lol. i needed a breather in between to refocus, and i didnt take one. i was on the move, went without relaxation. stresses of stresses not involving school came into play. still playing, smh. i'm not stressed though, i just don't care. i know that everything will work out the way it was meant to. it would be nice to have a solid, stable foundation though. i have my Lord, my Islam, and my mother. more than sufficient. but i still feel that whole 'something is missing' thing. ugh, its so corny. this whole being human thing. having feelings is loserly, but unavoidble. i just want reciprocity. i just want to be considered as much as i consider. i just want love. simple enough to ask for, not as simple to extract. shouldnt have to be extracted. the people i come across in my life have so much nerve. so expectant, miopic, uncaring. luckily, i don't really expect any thing different. if i did, i would be veddy veddy disappointed. mkay, school work time.

smooch and salaam

lone star

bright. occasionally. other times-a flame that flickers. i wonder if its the things i have done coming back to me. i wonder if i deserve it. my heart is full. contains so much. it gives without my permission. loves without consulting me first. hurts when it is ignored, pouts when it isn't appreciated, suffers when its work isn't recognized. my spirit can handle it. my mind expects it. but my heart always suffers. it is a hopeful pump. awaiting its counterpart. continuously disappointed, it suffers. i try to tell it to become a bit more stolid, expectant. to extract the wisdom offered by past experiences. it chooses to remain hopeful, patient-but still restless.

i love my heart. naive, genuine, open, closed, full. and NOBODY is going to change that.

joy to the world.

pause

there is laughter, joking, comradeship. the confetti of life, the fireworks of interaction. its fun, its happy, its beautiful. that moment-perfect, memorable, fleeting. there is always a point, during some of the happiest moments of my adult life, that everything begins to move in slow motion. i click a mental picture of the smiles. collect and package elation as harvesters do preserves. and i realize, sadly, that the moment has to end. i don't let this realization extract the joy from the moment, but i know people that do. my mother can be that way sometimes. when i go to visit her, she randomly pauses & pouts. i ask what's wrong, she says i don't want you to leave me. i remind her that i visit very often, and that she shouldn't ponder on my departure the moment i descend and de-board. its not healthy to ruin great moments by sulking at the thought of them ending. enjoy them, remember them, record them-even if only internally. tastes of paradise. savor them.

smooch

heart beat goes boom

it has become clear to me, over a very short period of time, what consequences are to be served by being reclusive. i have always understood that every one has their place in society, within the weaving of the lattice of humankind. ones purpose could be of substantial & positive impact, but without notoriety. another's could contribute to societal degradation and depravity, and be widely recognized/immortalized as being great. knowing this, i have always been an advocate of expressing thoughts and feelings. some should be expressed privately, and those are easy to recognize. but some should be accessible for the public, published for future generations to extract the wisdom it may contain. that is a prelude to the portrayal/admission of a very new issue i have been having.

communication is key. non-verbal especially. but verbal is just as important, depending on the level of sincerity and the listeners ability to detect it. i listen, i watch, i ask. i love dialog. in order for dialog to be maintained, there has to be an EXCHANGE of ideas, thoughts, opinion, words, expressions. you cannot have DIalog on your own. if you attempt to continuously, it may drive you mad. i admit i do converse with myself, but i do so understanding that it is not a dialog. it is a sorting of thoughts, rather. i think that i have been attempting to dialog alone. i think that it is beginning to take its toll. i think that because of it, my thoughts and feelings are having trouble finding the white light that equals exit. this is new. i barely ever have issues expressing myself. i always figure it shows me who i can and cannot communicate with-effectively. my non-writing lately could very well be a contributing factor. taking it back to the beginning, i think that my recent attraction to being reclusive is contributory as well. i dont know how it happened. i have always had a pretty healthy social life, and could still have one if i chose to exert the effort. but people annoy me. getting into how much and what they do would be a WHOLE 'nother entry. i have apparently sent my resilience to the corner for a minute, and resorted to harboring a small amount of animosity toward these people and the things they do to agitate me. i have decided to release my darling resilience and return to being me. i miss people. when they annoy me, i will just have to ignore it. i would say i am pretty good at that. my pardoning has its limits, still. i will not be treated in a manner unfair. if i am, and there is no remorse nor apology, i will gladly remove myself from the circle. okay, enough for tonight. i have reclaimed my bold. back to studying for this exam that i dont know if i will do too well on. probably a B, smh. bismillah

love

idk

i'm about to take a nap, at 1:30am. but before i do, i wanted to share something with my future me. i was talking to a friend today, and my friend told me that i always expect the worst. i said how? i was then told that i am always trying to play it cool, as if i don't care..blah blah, blah. i DO care. i never denied that. and it's not that i expect the worst, i just expect people to be people. people mess up, even when they don't intend to. sometimes their messing up can effect others, myself included. once again, beautifully flawed & imperfectly human. nobody is gonna do it exactly the way that i think they should. may Allah bless me to continue to be understanding, and increase me in patience-for my needle is almost on E in that department. i pray that He blesses me to be surrounded by people who at least TRY to show concern about my feelings and expectations. they don't need to know that i know they will mess up.

love

sleepless

here it is. 2am, AGAIN, and i am wide awake. mind going, going, gone. i've decided-in light of my wakefulness- to write poems. i think i am even having under thoughts of putting pressure on myself to write a poem every day for a not-yet-set period of time. i need to push and pursue my own creativity. i was lying here, for hours, thinking of all of the things i could have been doing. with nothing stopping me. no real obstruction between myself and my actions, besides my inaction.

i've come down with a case of writers block, smh. its fine though. this is a shame, i went to bed around 9:30 thinking i was actually going to get some rest. truly played myself. i clearly cannot do bed time before at LEAST 10:30. it was like a nap, & now i can't sleep. hmm. maybe i should do short stories instead of poems. or both. we shall see.

smooch and sweet dreams.

nina

right now.

bismillah

i promise not to complain for at LEAST 2 weeks. this is a big committment. i'm not big on complaining, but lately things have been a bit on the difficult side. i have found myself sighing, huffing, puffing. mumbling obsceneties, almost shouting them at times. rolling and cutting my eyes, allowing the weight to stay on my shoulders instead of letting it roll off. in my opinion, these are all forms of indirect, tacit complaining. it is SO unlike me, so i chose to end it. i need to stay focused on the reason i am here. may Allah guide me, and us all.

love

discipline.

i cant focus on anything
but i don't know what is distracting me
my thoughts maybe

idk
i just can't focus
its annoying me
i forget what day of the week it is
i dont know i have tests until the first few minutes of class
i leave school and dont remember it until i return
im bored at work
so i barely do anything pertaining to it
when i get home the agenda is to devise a plan to get me out of the house
i just always want to leave
without knowing where i want to go

i feel distracted
without knowing what is distracting me
its the strangest feeling
i feel like its something in my subconscience
some massive being, some substantial existence
awaiting its inception
awaiting my attention
without knowing i already feel it coming
and i'm already feeling like it could be consuming
too consuming
i have to stop it before it starts.
its warning me.

guh-ROSSSS.

i just realized something about my blog. it has become overrun with the yucky love stuff. ew. i don't even HAVE feelings. but this blog would suggest otherwise. i just want to delete the past several posts, they don't even look right. there should be a whole separate blog for that mess. a journal would probably be better.

anywho, great weekend. i really enjoyed it. got to see my people, got to be creative, got to effortlessly prove i'm the most major cutie in the place to be. owww! lol. i saw my baby girl maisarah today, i was so happy. i missed her mucho. i picked her up, and she grabbed both of my cheeks and gave me two big kisses on the lips. she made my day:) funny thing though, i was watching everyone there. the entire picnic reminded me of the practices of pre-colonial, African villages. we don't even realize how much the behaviors of our ancestors have impressed upon us. the display of manhood, all of the women watching and choosing, sharing of food, children running wild, smoke and fire from the cooking food. it was just so reminiscent of the stories of west African village festivities. i love that the connection can be made so easily. okay, off to do homework. smooch all.

loan.

i just read something, and as usual, i was randomly inspired. i am sure i have seen it before, i guess it just didn't jump out at me as much. i fear Allah. i want to die with that on my heart & soul. i need to remember what i should be striving for every minute of every day. i need to remind myself as soon as i wake up for fajr. when i think about it, i have been protected from so many things. even if i hadn't realized it at that moment, i do now. probably still missing several instances. He is so merciful. how could i ever complain about what i do not have? my body, my capabilities, my soul, my heart, my ability to love, my ability to be...all granted to me by the mercy of my Lord.

papa bear.

yooo.

the cutest thing. my professor brought his daughter to class the other day right. she was a sweetie. but he was trying to impress her, lol. he kept messing up, then he says "i'm trying to impress my daughter and i'm already messing up." it was so cute, lol. super cool. i think thats all, you get the point.

i shall return, inshaAllah.

thats all.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”--Rumi

learning never stops.

i was thinking...

i am at a point in my academic career, where i feel as if i am being tested more than i am being taught. i feel more pressure than internalization. i guess it kind of makes sense, i am coming up on the end of my tertiary level of university. at this point, i would assume that the directors of any program would expect you to know certain foundational pieces of information. but i wish it didn't seem as if they are losing sight of the fact that we are still there to LEARN.

as i am writing this, i can see how personal responsibility plays a part in this whole graduation thing. if i don't feel satiated by my days lesson, there are always office hours and supplementary materials. but i feel like i should walk away with the basics of the subject down. i feel as if they should try and relate the lessons to real life situations. maybe things they have seen, or been through. thats why i love my religion/death and dying professors teaching style. i dont even feel like i'm at temple university. i feel like i am abroad, interviewing, seeing, hearing, learning for the first time. i feel interested, engaged, excited. i LOVE it. he reminds me of why and how i want to teach. his stories are fascinating, to say the least. right now, we are discussing Yoruba and Kongo religion, which of course ties into Santeria religion as well. oh, and Haitian Vodou. gaining new perspectives on how they perceive life, death, sustenance. its crazy when you start to tie these things together. the yola and the cross, etc. he is such a hybrid religiously. he is like a surfer, free spirit, never wears shoes in the classroom type dude. so enthusiastic about everything.

i love when people have a love for life and its experiences. so much to learn from them. anyway, i will end my blogging and recommence the studying. smooch & ttyl.

nina

makes sense?

I just saw a quote, and it sparked something. It said "people who are sensible about love are incapable of it". Guess im s.o.l. huh? Lol. I mean when i think about it i guess it makes sense. I always say that love and logic are disconnected at a certain point. love is like a drug, pushes u to the edge of the cliff of insanity if you let it. And you DO have control over it, i dont understand why people feel you dont. You can let it get out of control, but it doesnt have to be that way. I think this quote is the reason ive never been in love though. I have this impenetrable wall in place. My mom is probably the only one all the way through. Well, she is. I love people. But i have never uncontrollaby, ardently, feverishly, ridiculously loved somebody. Because i never allowed it. Lol

HARD, like medusa staring at it.

i'm making an attempt, an almost failed one, to keep my heart from going cold.

don't get me wrong now. i LOVE love. i love my family, friends, & more than all of that...my religion and all that it entails. but i just don't know. i can't stand to pretend not to expect it to go wrong. i don't think i can be nice about letting it go. i don't feel like being considerate of someone else' inconsideration. since when has THAT been fair? it never has been if you ask me, and it never will be. thats just the way we were made to understand it to be. i will not accept that this is the way it is supposed to be. until i find the shoe that fits, i'd rather just do me. climbing trees, admiring buzzing bees. crying when i need to, doing what i want to.

i wish i could make some people understand what i see. how easy it is to put pieces together to compose a possible outcome. educated guess, well informed estimate. it works with people too you know. i recently had a conversation with someone. i asked him a question; nothing personal, just out of curiosity. he told me that "i was curious, and he was mysterious." he doesn't know that i laughed when he said that. it was funny, lol. funny because, he isn't very mysterious at all. he is actually quite transparent. just a little strange. but being strange doesn't make a person mysterious. i didn't tell him he wasn't mysterious. i didn't tell him i can repeat back to him all of the times he contradicted himself by misunderstanding and mis communicating his own speech. he was trying to be elusive, so that was his answer to my question. i guess he was proving to me that he was mysterious? lol. idk what made me think of that, guess its a prime example of people not knowing how easy it is to deduce based on behavioral patterns. he forgot that we have met before i guess. "i remember you, this feeling isn't new."

im babbling again. time to pray, cry, read, study. i have a lot of homework assignments and reading to do. i don't even have the text book, nor will i have access to it until next week. only Allah knows how this will end. *sighs*...amongst other things. Bismillah, and life goes on.

love

old, love.

i found this stored away in some electronic device of mine. i read it, and i love it. personal, but this is how i felt at the moment. i captured it. loserly behinds, lol.

I am a victim. Not of verbal abuse, or some ridiculously obtuse deducement about my personality, life, or appearance. (even if i am, i dont care. lol) . Not of a drive by shooting, or a lollipop thief. Not of a discouraging disappointment of a parent. I'd EVEN like to think that im not a victim of societal subliminal messages. But still, i am a victim. A victim of instability of the heart & mind. A victim of inconsistency. Emptiness of words that i definitely dont believe, but should be able to. I, dear reader, am a victim of the wavering attention span. That sentence should be capitalized, italicized, and in BOLD letters. It hit me like the surface of water after a high dive. And it hurt. Initially, i couldnt help but wonder if it was something about ME that pushes them away. Something that pulls them in, intrigues, compels, inspires. Inspires poetry, texts, emails, visits, a mild obsession. And last but not least, those three small, heavy, hollow words. Just words. Weighty, but empty. Meaningless to the conveyer, tumultuous to the recipient. If the recipient isnt me of course. But it doesnt matter, because it could be. Should be. I want a love that shakes my world up. Off the Richter Scale type shit. But i think. Maybe a bit too much at times. When it comes to this, im usually right though. Like i was saying: the person is there, full immersion going on. Trying to get a full pass to Ninaland. Then, he's gone. Is this some sick game they play to see how far it'll go? I've tried to figure it out, but almost immediately gave up on that because i cant explain why people do what they do. I can only come up with theories, because they are gone. To somebody else, some other place, deeper into themselves. Too deep to explain themselves to little ole me. So im left to let go. Which im pretty good at if i may say so myself

i'm feeling liiiiiike...pain is temporary.

say it, even if you think i won't like it. even if you think it will hurt. do NOT attempt to spare my feelings by telling me lies. like a big ass grizzly with a buzzing bee in its ear, that shit is only going to agitate me. i deal with the truth a whole lot better than a lie. unlike most people, i actually MEAN it when i say that.

somebody called me the other day, and asked me a question. that person then requested that i answer honestly, which i would have anyway. so i did, and he didn't like what i said. i didn't expect the person to like it, but that person shouldn't have expected to hear what he wanted to hear. don't ask for the truth and get upset when you hear/see it.

that's all for now.

smooch

i double dare you to pinky swear.

Hola. So, i am having a bit of an issue understanding something. Better yet, i dont think that its actually ME who is dealing with this issue of comprehension. Why on Gods green Earth would ANY person promise not to hurt another? Just like that. "I promise to never hurt you." B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. Yes, i had to spell it out. Just for the effect that the extra emphasis had on that statement. We, dear people, are imperfectly human. Totally and completely susceptible to slipping up at ANY given moment. I expect it from others, as well as myself. How can you make a promise, when you KNOW there is no way you can know what would change in your mind, life, or heart? We dont have complete control over these things, and a slight change in ANY of them could alter your reality, as well as anothers.

My point is this, dont make promises you know are close to impossible to keep, then convince yourself you can keep them. Lying to others is unbecoming, but lying to yourself is metaphorical suicide. The promise SHOULD be "I will never consciously, purposely, carelessly, or maliciously cause you pain." A mouthful i know, but it covers all bases. Plus it sounds good, lol. What can i say, the ladies are suckers for all that poetical shit. Especially if we know its sincere. & im pretty good at detecting sincerity. Which reminds me....NEXT BLOG!!!

Until a few minutes from now, peace

simple as that.

So, heres what i think.

Most people 'fall in love' too easily. Far too easily. No real live courtship necessary. Then, even worse than that, they put it on display prematurely for the other party, who probably doesnt deserve even a fraction of that love.

Not ONLY do i think most people 'fall in love' too easily, i also think i know why.

You spend all of this time dreaming and hoping. Waiting for this special type of person to come along and woo. Sweep you off of your feet. Make you feel as light as feathers do. Doodling last names, picturing family life. Fantasizing about perfect pillow talk and spooning. Early morning exchanges of affection and endearment. Incomparable kisses as the prelude to a lovely night. So on and so forth. With all of this fantasizing, you fall in love with the idea of the person who could fill that space in your fantasy. You create a subconscious hope that whomever you end up with will become who you want them to be. When they dont, it doesnt work out and youre disappointed. Busily blaming the other party, when its actually the fault of unrealistic expectations. Think about it, and admit it.

Now im not saying that it is impossible to find that super duper jupiter love. I believe. Im just saying, people dont pay attention. They use new relationships as an intoxicant. Taking hits of the drug that is newness. Allowing emotion derived from a mere fantasy to preceed logic. Emotions take over by them imagining they are about to have what they've been fantasizing about.

LOOK and LISTEN to the person you are with. You know in your heart and soul whether or not this is it. We need to start thinking about these things before entering into relationships. Be honest with ourselves. Dont be a victim of loneliness. That wont take you anywhere near where u need to be. It'll just fill a void until you realize there is alot more missing. Then it starts all over again. Break the cycle.

Fin

under my skin, over my soul.

Highs and lows. Lately more of the latter. I feel like i want so many things that i dont have. Im not even speaking in terms of materialism; well at least not strictly. Its almost consuming, trying to attain things you dont have. Wait. Not almost. It definitely is. I find that more often than not, when im sad its because of what i couldve, shouldve, wouldve, want to. It always only lasts for a few moments. But its new to a person who doesnt usually dwell. I feel so...human. i hate to admit that i even feel this way. It secretly and quietly brings me to tears when i see graduation pictures, hear stories of places i have never been to, feel the relief of a person who has, at last, completed something they formerly began. I want to be free. I feel like my mind is a slave to my desires at times. My heart longs for what it does not have, and i fear that longing may one day overshadow my grateful. I doubt that, seriously. I am far too blessed to be completely consumed with desires. I guess the issue i have with me is that i see my potential, and i see where i am at. Life moves much more slowly than my mind does, but much faster than my body can keep up with. Im 10 years ahead, and ten steps behind. Talking about it doesnt help, i already believe nobody REALLY listens. Writing, its band-aid like. The more i write, and if i like, the more alleviation i feel. Tears of Ink. Yup.

visualize THAT.

yoooo.

so i have been making plans, but we all know how much my brain scatters. because i am very aware of my ability to forget random bits of imperative information, i have decided to compose a vision board. for now, i know it will include photos, menus, people, cost research, building research, questions of salvage value and competition. marketing tactics, opinions, motivation, love. visuals, drawings, recipes, logos. ideas for expansion, which may put me a little ahead of myself but why not. lol. playlists, lighting, atmosphere, colors, furniture, design. local art auctioning, periodical open mics, launching and grand opening week. it might be too soon to pick a date, but maybe i will be ready to do that in a few months. i will only discuss it with people i plan to involve, and only at the point that i decide to involve them. not on a maybe. inshaAllah my intentions will remain pure. i am not in it to be commended, recognized, or applauded by peers. with a bismillah on my lips, i take the leap.

i can do this.

peace

pressure.

hola dear blog.

subhanAllah. i could be very stressed right now. it would probably be completely justifiable to feel that way with everything that is going on. i'm not going to complain. i'm not going to tear. i'm not going to break. i'm not going to ask. i'm not going to tell. i am going to pray, & humble myself before my Lord. He is the ONLY One who can change my circumstance. of course i have to be proactive in that change as well, and i very much plan to be. i just have to take a few steps i've been avoiding. i am going to shake it off & keep it going. inshaAllah it will all be worth it.

sidebar: happy birthday to meeee. and i love my mother so much. she is amazing, inspirational, sweet, generous beyond her means, nurturing, sustaining, loving. i don't know what i would do without her. may Allah grant her Jannah.

grind time

peace

random, but...

so, i am on a mission to get into emory law. inshaAllah it will happen for me. pray that i can keep my intentions pure, grades high, stay focused. so many benefits would come along with that. i get to live with my mama cita, yay! other crap that i don't feel like mentioning. AND...drumroll please...Kathleen Cleaver is a professor of law there. i would be super inspired if she was to be my teacher. i mean, i would be like bringing her apples and sh*t, lol. i wouldnt, but i would definitely be inspired. i'm gonna have to step my game up as far a preparation.

bismillah

insomniatic rants II

wow.

why does it seem as if i sleep when i don't need to, and i am awake when i am trying to sleep? it is 2:40am. i do not need to be awake right now. my plan was to go to bed, wake up early, get to work. but nooooooo, i can't sleep. there must be a reason. i think i think too much. hmm. scattered thoughts, no good. i have texts to return, phone calls to make, papers to write, a 7 chapter accounting midterm to study for, about 3 accounting homework assignments to turn in. i need to move, put that desk together or sell it, spend money, get money back, read, pray. laundry. how on earth could i sleep? wow. maybe if i got some of it done i could sleep in peace. i have to think of the rest of my weekend in terms of hours. not first half of the day, tomorrow night, nope. i will not go to sleep until i don't know im about to go to sleep. grind.

sb: my skin is hot again. know what that means, smh. its like i can see the heat leaving my pores. amazing.

k, work to do. let me shower to wake myself up first. smooch.

:(

im so tired of people right now.

my feelings, emotions, heart, soul, are completely disregarded. nobody is ever concerned with how something may make me feel. when they can't show, they just don't. nobody calls me to cancel, nobody frikin sends a text. even if they do send a text, that's not good enough to make up for a promise when you know i have been waiting. i guess everybody thinks i don't have feelings, except for me. subhanAllah. im about to go make dua'a, read, and sleep. bismillah.

nite

work on huh???

okay, issue.

i have never claimed to be a grammarian of ANY sort. i wish and want to be one, one sweet day. but i havent gotten there yet. YET. i have never, EVER, had a professor tell me i needed to work on my writing. my lit and english professors frikin love my work. this dude, a MARKETING professor, tells me i need to work on my writing. i read the paper again. its just fine! the only thing i didnt do was define marketing terminology within the paragraphs of my paper. and he gave me a frikin C? never got a C on a paper in my life. smh. he is an idiot. i mean, why would i assume that i was to treat him, the reader, as a person who has no clue what the words mean? he probably memorized the text book for fun. shit. clearly i know what they mean if i used them. smh. i am super unhappy about this. i better get an A on the next one. thats why he eats so much beef that his colon probably looks like a sausage. thats not nice. i take it back. kinda.

oh, and then this guy says, you are not supposed to write a business paper the way that you write a literature paper. okay, i get that. but either way, i was very specific. no generalizations. every thing i stated was from my works cited. spelling on point. it had a nice flow to it. it ended strong. he sucks. hmph.

bye.

hormonal? hmph.

sad. smh. it just crept up on me. i just locked myself out of my bathroom, which is sad but kinda funny actually. im in pain, strangely. i cannot get comfortable to save my flippin life. i need to do my accounting homework but cant find the link. and i KNOW im not retarded, its not where the link usually is. how am i supposed to do my homework if it isnt posted? and i dont want to email her like wheres the homework, when its dues in a few hours. last minute, smh. this was probably a test, lol. at least i got my extra credit in.. mediocre, but done.

ya Allah please forgive me for being a shoe hoard. i really think i have an addiction, i behave compulsively, whatever u want to call it. this is bad. there are things that i should put before buying shoes, that i dont. i always give stuff away though. that makes a difference, right? idk, whatever.

i purchased 6 pair of shoes today. i will probably buy a few more before the week is out honestly. i need help. intervention. maybe not, i just need money to support my habit. i am good now, but not good enough to keep going at the rate im going. smh.

anyway. peace, love, and stilettos.

morning song.

you know how, every morning around fajr you hear birds chirping? the level of sound escalates as sunrise approaches. you feel that morning buzz. replay mental pictures of dew on grass, cold on concrete, breathe in the smell of twilight.

its not the same here. the birds take longer to start chirping. i made fajr about 30 minutes ago, and i just started to hear them. i was waiting, lol. at mama citas house the sound isn't so distant. here they sound far away. maybe its because in south philadelphia the greenery isn't so lush. yea, thats it. i bet if i was in mount airy i would have heard them a while ago.

i can't wait until i don't have to look in between concrete cracks in the pavement to see flowers and grass. i can't wait until i don't have to wear shoes in front of my house for fear of my toe being cut off by random pieces of a broken beer bottle. i appreciate city life, love it even. but the world as it was before we built tall buildings representing the competing egos of men, that's what im REALLY interested in. the thought of untouched, virginal lands makes my lungs rejoice. ohhhh, the joy of not being stuck walking down 18th street behind 6 people who ALL just so happen to smoke funky cigarettes, and all want to exhale their filth into my unwelcoming face. i can't wait to be able to breathe without having to be so cautious and conscious of the bad habits of others, even if only temporarily, or periodically...*sighs*

gotta go to sleep now, accounting test today. idk yall, lol.

peace

looking forward to?

okay, i have two papers to write so this will be a quick one. just need to get it off my chest real quick. i'm talking to a friend, as usual, and the whole Muslim man thing came up. apparently, one of her non-Muslim friends has a thing for Muslim guys. i don't know if its the beard, or the cufi, or the praying, couldnt tell you. so my friend asked her why? she said because they do everything except eat pork. WOW. i mean, wow. is THAT the perception that they have of our men? sad part is, i can't even blame her. thats the perception they give them. the same dudes we see at the masjid, at work smashing every chick there, selling drugs, only wanna act muslim during Jumuah and when its time to marry another wife, in the club getting twisted every weekend with some dumb diseased chick grinding all on them. these dudes just as dumb as her though, don't get it twisted.

this is what we have to look forward to? really?

i mean, i'm gonna be honest. some Muslim women are into these same things. the men and women of this sort deserve one another. but I am speaking of the sisters and brothers who want something real. who want that fear of Allah in the household. who want love and tranquility to play a major role in the relationship. can't find it with a person who doesn't want the same. now i'm not saying i believe this is the majority, its just what i'm surrounded by for the most part. i repel this type of energy, because i can't relate. i want to go to Jannah, and i want people in my life who want to do the same. who work to do the same. its so disheartening to see and hear the things i do. definitely ready for something different. may Allah bless us with what we strive for, in goodness of course. ameen.

i don't wanna be a sexy old cat lady, smh. lol

nina

crush it like a coke can.

sooo, i know i have said this before, but that one doesnt count anymore lol.

i got a crushhhh. yesss.

its an old crush, but every time i run into him, or we come in contact in some way, i get all doe eyed and day dreamy lol. so he kinda called me on ooVoo today, yes kinda. it was a bad connection so i didnt even know it was him. but i guess we will talk one day. gotta scream i told you so, silently of course. he should totally drop this whole goody goody thing he has going and be my boo. but anyway...

i have to tell you about my new thing. i have decided, that when i meet the man i want to be with, its just gonna happen. im not gonna ask him, im gonna tell him. he cant say no, because i wont give him a chance to. in the words of my martian kudi.."i just say hi, then grab her hand." but mine will be a his instead of a her. and guess what, he is gonna like it. love it even. boom.

peace, & forceful love.

saturnight, sunday morn.

i miss you sleep. come back to me.

anyway, hey blog. i've been thinking, which is what usually pushes me off of insomnia cliff. i want to be totally honest, and spill my guts. i want to. i don't think i am actually going to do it though. i might just be overly emotional right now. its late at night, im sleepy but not sleeping, im hungry, i want to go to the park and swing for an hour, i wish i was in atlanta with my mom, too much more. i won't be blatant, but i will say this. i want things. important things. i know you think you know what im talking about, but you don't. i feel like those things would make me so much happier, so much more productive, so much more bubbly. i don't want those things like other people have them though. i want them to fit ME. i dont usually see things that belong to other people and say i want that to be mine. i always want my own. my own, personal touch. my mark. my work. commenced with the correct intent. i wonder when, because i know it will. inshaAllah.

sb: i wonder why some people so vehemently avoid being alone. if there is not a person available, they use the television, or the radio, or leave the front door wide open. just to feel as if there is company. i mean, i understand not wanting to be alone ALL the time. thats perfectly normal. but to NEVER want to be alone? wow. i appreciate it, a little too much at times. lol. i enjoy the quiet, the space, the freedom to think, laugh, dance. without being watched by human eyes. without having to listen to the noise of another individuals existence. most of the time. but times like now, i kinda understand that feeling of not wanting to be alone. all the lights on, movie playing, computer poppin. this is my sample of that which i did not understand. but my thing is this, i feel like before you always have a person around, you should spend some time alone. be alone until you cant stand it anymore. learn you. live as you. love you. listen to your thoughts. i mean really listen. and remember them. say them out loud to see if they make sense anywhere but inside of your head. even if they dont, keep them. write them. draw them. photograph them. show your future what you used to be.

k i think im done for now. i will probably be back soon.

love

monroe wit it.

"A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left."

the title tells who said it. now, im nothing like this lovely young woman was, but in this case we can definitely relate. you would be amazed at how easily a woman can pretend to love you. even if the love is there, it may not be as strong as she makes it seem in order to spare your feelings. i listen, very attentively might i add, but that doesn't mean i believe what i hear. that doesn't necessarily mean i think its a lie either. just means that i understand that people make the mistake of making too many promises AND expecting all promises to come through. we are human, and therefore flawed in numerous ways. we make mistakes, it is to be expected.we have to know that coincidences occur, and one event may interfere with another taking place. i understand that things said can be meant, but be impossible to carry out. the sincerity is appreciated, but i'm not buying it. sorry. we all know i leave before i am left, lol. but only physically. i feel when people start to pull away. sometimes i even feel it before they do. when i feel it, even if only a teeny tiny little bit, i'm OUT. i don't like how it feels to be neglected, abandoned, left abruptly. i don't think anyone does actually. so i save myself from it. for the most part. some say i think too much, some say i don't have an emotional connect, i say LIES! all LIES! if i didn't have an emotional connection with people i wouldn't be able to see these things. i have a hypersensitivity to the emotions of others. its a gift and a curse. i can't wait til i don't have to be so cautious. smh.

smooch

nina

keep it in the safe, not on the counter.

So, heres what i think.

Most people 'fall in love' too easily. Far too easily. No real live courtship necessary. Then, even worse than that, they put it on display prematurely for the other party, who probably doesnt deserve even a fraction of that love.

Not ONLY do i think most people 'fall in love' too easily, i also think i know why.

You spend all of this time dreaming and hoping. Waiting for this special type of person to come along and woo. Sweep you off of your feet. Make you feel as light as feathers do. Doodling last names, picturing family life. Fantasizing about perfect pillow talk and spooning. Early morning exchanges of affection and endearment. Incomparable kisses as the prelude to a lovely night. So on and so forth. With all of this fantasizing, you fall in love with the idea of the person who could fill that space in your fantasy. The feelings come to exist before the actual relationship does. You create a subconscious hope that whomever you end up with will become who you want them to be. When they dont, it doesnt work out and youre disappointed. Busily blaming the other party, when its actually the fault of unrealistic expectations. Think about it, and admit it.

Now im not saying that it is impossible to find that super duper jupiter love. I believe. Im just saying, people dont pay attention. They use new relationships as an intoxicant. Taking hits of the drug that is newness. Allowing emotion derived from a mere fantasy to preceed logic. Emotions take over by them imagining they are about to have what they've been fantasizing about.

LOOK and LISTEN to the person you are with. You know in your heart and soul whether or not this is it. We need to start thinking about these things before entering into relationships. Be honest with ourselves. Dont be a victim of loneliness. That wont take you anywhere near where u need to be. It'll just fill a void until you realize there is alot more missing. Then it starts all over again. Break the cycle.

Fin

definition.

yoooo.

i noticed that Mos Def barely includes the titles of his songs in his actual songs. you know how you can find the title of most songs within the chorus or the last verse? not with him, lol. if you listen, you can make the connection quite easily though. but i love that. i do that when i write. the title is barely ever included in the actual entry. for me, the title is usual a piece of the original thought which led me to write in the first place.

you know what else i notice? people seem to be under the impression that i am a lot more popular than i actually am. my friends think i am too busy for them, when i'm probably just at home watching movies. boys think i have some type of little black book hidden somewhere, and that my phone rings off the hook with all of these super awesome guys on the other end begging me to be with them. NOT true, lol. i spend most of my time by myself or with my mother. if there is a line of guys wrapping around the block waiting for me, i sure don't know about it. well, let me stop. men express interest quite often. but because i'm clearly not open to it, i have a rep and the rest just don't even bother. i guess it'll change when i want it to.

now, i know it seems as if i have been avoiding this entry about marriage i said i would do, but i'm not. i just haven't really had a chance to sit here and type. i know this is strange & sudden, at least for me it is, but i think i'm ready. not ready to get married, but ready to be open to the idea of possibly considering a candidate. on the other hand, i don't know if i want to deal with the MIGRAINE that accompanies the consideration. i remember, before i married Ishmail i had given up. i was like i know i'm like, 19 going on 20, but these dudes are seriously retarded, mental ailments, belong on some persons short cheese bus with the tinted windows. i was SO done. married that bol, clearly that didn't work out. i don't have the tolerance for nonsense anymore. the thing with me is, i am not looking for a quick high on this love thing. people get so caught up in the newness, they don't REALLY look for the person they can successfully build a future with. thats what i'm looking for, and i know i haven't found that person yet. i see my mistakes, i learned from them, and i am implementing what i have learned. with what i'm seeing out there, i'm prepared for the long haul, lol. i'm expecting to be singular for a whiiiiile. but you never know. just be sure that i will never be with a man, just because i don't want to be alone. yeah right.

to be continued...

smooch

insomniatic rants.

good evening/morning.

yes, i made up the word "insomniatic". i like it, has a nice ring to it. lol.

i was involved in a conversation, quite recently in fact, when someone asked me what i was doing. i responded that i was blogging. i was then asked about what and what my purpose was. i responded that i blog about whatever comes to mind as extensively as i would like, and that my purpose was to vent. i was then asked..."does anybody read it?"...hmm. i responded that i didn't know, and that it really didn't matter being that to gain an audience is not my purpose. i don't blog to induce conjecture, emotion, pity, passion. if my little baby of a blog does any of that, i would be honored and amazed. i type to remember once the thought has passed, that it occurred to begin with. i type to semi-intelligently express whatever i may be thinking or feeling at the moment, and to help myself make sense of it. it would be awful pretentious of me to type, assuming that anyone would be half interested in the inner-workings of Ninaland enough to consistently read my blog. my aimless, unpredictable, disorderly, disheveled, ambiguous, impersonally personal blog. if anyone would be interested, it will be here. if not, i will be here.

peace & sanity

nina

oh, and i didnt forget about my marriage blog. later on today, it shall be posted. inshaAllah (God willing)

yooooooo.

this entry has no order, no focal point, and no real live subject. just so you know.

so, started my photo shoot today. OM to the G. i'm pretty sure they will be lovely, but WHAT is my issue? man oh man. i am so super hyper conscious of the camera. that is my problem. its almost invasive. sees things i don't want it to. flaws i try to deflect attention from. flaws i have embraced, but still don't care to share. but my friend pointed something out to me today. who's standard of beauty am i basing these things off of? thats a relevant question for some, but its not about beauty with me. it isn't insecurity either. i think its just the idea of me being visible, a spectacle. i never really liked that believe it or not. i remember at my wedding, i was uber uncomfortable because i was surrounded by people i didn't know and they were ALL looking at me. i mean, its a wedding and to be expected. but still, it was nowhere near as personal as i would have liked it to be. i like to choose who looks at me. strange i know, lol.

but with every click of the camera, i realized and remembered the best photos are of things in their natural state. at least by my standards they are. when someone wants to remember you, they want to remember you as you are now. now is all they see at the moment, and if captured it can be remembered more clearly. i want to laugh, genuinely, and for it to be captured...candidly. when i see the picture, i want to see what i looked like to my friends every time they made me laugh. i don't want to look constipated and uncomfortable because i don't know what to do next, lol. i think that after todays session, i have a better idea of how to take photos, and hopefully when we reconvene on Saturday i will be much more tolerable:)

anyhows, i'm gonna take a movie break. i'm pretty sure my next entry will be about marriage. yeaup, sure will. ttyl & smooch

nina

confetti me.

bloggy boo.

yesterday, i visited a dear friend of mine who just so happens to be this astonishingly amazingful fotographer. she has produced and captured some of the most beautiful shots of real people, real places, and real spaces that i have ever seen. when a photo can bring me to tears, you already KNOW! i am privileged enough for her to allow me to be her model for an up and coming project. can you say...HYPE. first, i have taken pictures, but i have never done an actual photo shoot with the focus being me in my natural state. i can admit to the fact that i feel as if i don't know how to take pictures. the posing, the angles, knowing that the camera is zooming in and out to focus on moi. but im sure she will be a tremendous aid during the entire process. im excited, new experiences. i will update on how it turned out, inshaAllah. im sure it'll be lovely with miss Joi Faison behind the lens.

look! im getting artsy with the webcam. you know i had to try it out, in the spirit of this particular blog. lol

nina

i wonder...

YO.

sometimes i wonder how people see me. not only how they see me, but how they feel about me. i wonder what i look like from the outside. i wonder what people expect me to do, what they expect to come out of my mouth. i wonder what they think i'm thinking. i wonder if they try to figure me out or if i push them away. i wonder if the vibes are good, or repelling. i wonder if they hate to listen when i speak, if they only want me to listen to them. i wonder if they mean it when they tell me they love me, or if they believe me when i say it to them. i wonder if people can tell when i only tolerate them because i'm used to them being around. i wonder if people can tell when i really don't want to talk to them, ever again. i really wonder if people can tell that i can tell they are being phony. i wonder if they can tell that i don't care, and would prefer that if you are not sincere, you would just walk away and stay there. i wonder if people catch my subliminal messages. i wonder why people neglect me. i wonder if i neglect people so i don't have to feel the pain of being neglected first. i hope not. i wonder how i can be so easily disregarded at times. i wish that people knew how much i thought of them, prayed for them, cared, but then again i don't, which is why they don't know. i wonder if my mother knows how much i love her. wait, i know she does. i wonder if she knows how much i appreciate everything she has done. i wonder of she knows that i understand that we are her heart and soul. i wonder if she knows i would giver her anything, and she is the reason i want to be successful. i wonder if she knows that she is my proof that good people, genuinely good people, still exist. i wonder if my children will love me as much as i love my mother. i wonder if i will inspire them. i know that they will inspire me. i wonder about their father. i wonder if he will wonder as much as i do. i wonder if he is wondering about me right now. how gross and mushy and yucky. but i still wonder. i wonder when i will have a man in my life that i truly respect. i wonder if. i wonder if they know how i really feel about them. i wonder how i can fix it, because its not very nice. my father told me that he doesn't have respect for a lot of people. even those in authority over him. but he told me he has a lot of respect for me. i wonder what he sees in me to make him think so highly of me. i wonder how he could think so highly of me, but not want to be in my life. i wonder if he wants to be in my life, but is too ashamed to try to fix what is done. i wonder if he knows that i understand that if you want to fix it, you at least have to START. i wonders if he knows i forgive him, even if he hasn't done it yet. i wonder if he knows how much my brother needs a man in his life. i wonder if my brother knows i cry for him. i wonder if he knows i wish i could give him what our father didn't. i wonder if he knows our mother spent our whole lives trying to make up for the fact that daddy wasn't there. i wonder if he remembers what she did to make sure we were properly educated. i wonder if he realizes he is throwing it away. i wonder if he knows it breaks my heart. i wonder why he doesn't tell me he loves me too. i wonder if he knows i don't love any male as much as i love him. i wonder if he knows i never will. i wonder why he is so distant. i wonder if i did something to make him that way. i hope not. maybe one day he will tell me. maybe one day you will tell me. maybe one day, i will figure it out. maybe i already know.

love.

decisions, decisions...

hola

so, ive been writing. blogging really, just not on my blog. lol. the paragraphs are deeply expressive and personal, hence my hesitation to publish. im admittedly not the most open person you will ever come across. they are good though. sincere, honest, me. still a bit vague, i always seem to exercise caution even if i try not to. but i just dont know. i think it has something to do with an intricate fear of the reader figuring out exactly what, or who im talking about. i try not to write about people because i never want to be unnecessarily offensive. HUGE emphasis on the unnecessarily part. some people need to be offended, lol. but yeah, i try to avoid being open about my opinions of others because one, it doesnt really matter. and two, it may have a regrettable effect in the long run. anyway, i feel myself going in another direction with this one so im gonna end it here. i think i will just keep them to myself. there is a reason i didnt publish initially, and it was probably a good one.

smooch

open, pretty brown eyes.

i miss myself. subsequently, i have been on a subconscious turned conscious mission to recover the parts of me that i feel are missing. i still love, but not as hard or as freely. i still hug, but nowhere near as deeply. i still sing, but not as loud. i still smile, but shortly after may frown. i still touch, but i almost always...hesitate. i wanna go ahead and do things, but i keep telling myself to wait.

why?

i wasnt like this. im still not. this has to be me living through her. the side of me i fight, the side of me that i never liked. the side of me that i never really saw, denied it was even there. the side of me that says i don't, when i really do care. isn't that a lie? to me it counts as a lie. to the REAL me anyway. to the other me its just self-derived comfort. she uses a whole lotta fancy nomenclature to make herself feel good. but the real me knows that big, pretty, puffery can be just as substantial as that which fills a bubble. words are only words until you make them mean something. so why say them, when they mean nothing?

lately, i've been really hard on myself about what i say. i joke less, try to be less sarcastic. use less of those words for my own amusement and more for my own reminding. sidebar, lol.

anyways, i have been through some things that proved to be very draining. not crying or complaining about it but it did what it did. in the process of being drained, i lost things. things i loved. things i may never be able to recover in their original form. but i DO believe i can recover them and make them better. modified, refined if you will. it will take a lot of meditation, prayer, cleansing. reading, writing, breathing. but im getting there. i will get there, inshaAllah. and when i do it will be absolutely, beautifully triumphant. i will inhale deeply, and be able to feel my heart do the same. i know the feeling, i just have to find it again. taking the first steps, bismillah.

move, if you want to

nina