i wonder...

YO.

sometimes i wonder how people see me. not only how they see me, but how they feel about me. i wonder what i look like from the outside. i wonder what people expect me to do, what they expect to come out of my mouth. i wonder what they think i'm thinking. i wonder if they try to figure me out or if i push them away. i wonder if the vibes are good, or repelling. i wonder if they hate to listen when i speak, if they only want me to listen to them. i wonder if they mean it when they tell me they love me, or if they believe me when i say it to them. i wonder if people can tell when i only tolerate them because i'm used to them being around. i wonder if people can tell when i really don't want to talk to them, ever again. i really wonder if people can tell that i can tell they are being phony. i wonder if they can tell that i don't care, and would prefer that if you are not sincere, you would just walk away and stay there. i wonder if people catch my subliminal messages. i wonder why people neglect me. i wonder if i neglect people so i don't have to feel the pain of being neglected first. i hope not. i wonder how i can be so easily disregarded at times. i wish that people knew how much i thought of them, prayed for them, cared, but then again i don't, which is why they don't know. i wonder if my mother knows how much i love her. wait, i know she does. i wonder if she knows how much i appreciate everything she has done. i wonder of she knows that i understand that we are her heart and soul. i wonder if she knows i would giver her anything, and she is the reason i want to be successful. i wonder if she knows that she is my proof that good people, genuinely good people, still exist. i wonder if my children will love me as much as i love my mother. i wonder if i will inspire them. i know that they will inspire me. i wonder about their father. i wonder if he will wonder as much as i do. i wonder if he is wondering about me right now. how gross and mushy and yucky. but i still wonder. i wonder when i will have a man in my life that i truly respect. i wonder if. i wonder if they know how i really feel about them. i wonder how i can fix it, because its not very nice. my father told me that he doesn't have respect for a lot of people. even those in authority over him. but he told me he has a lot of respect for me. i wonder what he sees in me to make him think so highly of me. i wonder how he could think so highly of me, but not want to be in my life. i wonder if he wants to be in my life, but is too ashamed to try to fix what is done. i wonder if he knows that i understand that if you want to fix it, you at least have to START. i wonders if he knows i forgive him, even if he hasn't done it yet. i wonder if he knows how much my brother needs a man in his life. i wonder if my brother knows i cry for him. i wonder if he knows i wish i could give him what our father didn't. i wonder if he knows our mother spent our whole lives trying to make up for the fact that daddy wasn't there. i wonder if he remembers what she did to make sure we were properly educated. i wonder if he realizes he is throwing it away. i wonder if he knows it breaks my heart. i wonder why he doesn't tell me he loves me too. i wonder if he knows i don't love any male as much as i love him. i wonder if he knows i never will. i wonder why he is so distant. i wonder if i did something to make him that way. i hope not. maybe one day he will tell me. maybe one day you will tell me. maybe one day, i will figure it out. maybe i already know.

love.