guh-ROSSSS.

i just realized something about my blog. it has become overrun with the yucky love stuff. ew. i don't even HAVE feelings. but this blog would suggest otherwise. i just want to delete the past several posts, they don't even look right. there should be a whole separate blog for that mess. a journal would probably be better.

anywho, great weekend. i really enjoyed it. got to see my people, got to be creative, got to effortlessly prove i'm the most major cutie in the place to be. owww! lol. i saw my baby girl maisarah today, i was so happy. i missed her mucho. i picked her up, and she grabbed both of my cheeks and gave me two big kisses on the lips. she made my day:) funny thing though, i was watching everyone there. the entire picnic reminded me of the practices of pre-colonial, African villages. we don't even realize how much the behaviors of our ancestors have impressed upon us. the display of manhood, all of the women watching and choosing, sharing of food, children running wild, smoke and fire from the cooking food. it was just so reminiscent of the stories of west African village festivities. i love that the connection can be made so easily. okay, off to do homework. smooch all.

loan.

i just read something, and as usual, i was randomly inspired. i am sure i have seen it before, i guess it just didn't jump out at me as much. i fear Allah. i want to die with that on my heart & soul. i need to remember what i should be striving for every minute of every day. i need to remind myself as soon as i wake up for fajr. when i think about it, i have been protected from so many things. even if i hadn't realized it at that moment, i do now. probably still missing several instances. He is so merciful. how could i ever complain about what i do not have? my body, my capabilities, my soul, my heart, my ability to love, my ability to be...all granted to me by the mercy of my Lord.

papa bear.

yooo.

the cutest thing. my professor brought his daughter to class the other day right. she was a sweetie. but he was trying to impress her, lol. he kept messing up, then he says "i'm trying to impress my daughter and i'm already messing up." it was so cute, lol. super cool. i think thats all, you get the point.

i shall return, inshaAllah.

thats all.

“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”--Rumi

learning never stops.

i was thinking...

i am at a point in my academic career, where i feel as if i am being tested more than i am being taught. i feel more pressure than internalization. i guess it kind of makes sense, i am coming up on the end of my tertiary level of university. at this point, i would assume that the directors of any program would expect you to know certain foundational pieces of information. but i wish it didn't seem as if they are losing sight of the fact that we are still there to LEARN.

as i am writing this, i can see how personal responsibility plays a part in this whole graduation thing. if i don't feel satiated by my days lesson, there are always office hours and supplementary materials. but i feel like i should walk away with the basics of the subject down. i feel as if they should try and relate the lessons to real life situations. maybe things they have seen, or been through. thats why i love my religion/death and dying professors teaching style. i dont even feel like i'm at temple university. i feel like i am abroad, interviewing, seeing, hearing, learning for the first time. i feel interested, engaged, excited. i LOVE it. he reminds me of why and how i want to teach. his stories are fascinating, to say the least. right now, we are discussing Yoruba and Kongo religion, which of course ties into Santeria religion as well. oh, and Haitian Vodou. gaining new perspectives on how they perceive life, death, sustenance. its crazy when you start to tie these things together. the yola and the cross, etc. he is such a hybrid religiously. he is like a surfer, free spirit, never wears shoes in the classroom type dude. so enthusiastic about everything.

i love when people have a love for life and its experiences. so much to learn from them. anyway, i will end my blogging and recommence the studying. smooch & ttyl.

nina

makes sense?

I just saw a quote, and it sparked something. It said "people who are sensible about love are incapable of it". Guess im s.o.l. huh? Lol. I mean when i think about it i guess it makes sense. I always say that love and logic are disconnected at a certain point. love is like a drug, pushes u to the edge of the cliff of insanity if you let it. And you DO have control over it, i dont understand why people feel you dont. You can let it get out of control, but it doesnt have to be that way. I think this quote is the reason ive never been in love though. I have this impenetrable wall in place. My mom is probably the only one all the way through. Well, she is. I love people. But i have never uncontrollaby, ardently, feverishly, ridiculously loved somebody. Because i never allowed it. Lol

HARD, like medusa staring at it.

i'm making an attempt, an almost failed one, to keep my heart from going cold.

don't get me wrong now. i LOVE love. i love my family, friends, & more than all of that...my religion and all that it entails. but i just don't know. i can't stand to pretend not to expect it to go wrong. i don't think i can be nice about letting it go. i don't feel like being considerate of someone else' inconsideration. since when has THAT been fair? it never has been if you ask me, and it never will be. thats just the way we were made to understand it to be. i will not accept that this is the way it is supposed to be. until i find the shoe that fits, i'd rather just do me. climbing trees, admiring buzzing bees. crying when i need to, doing what i want to.

i wish i could make some people understand what i see. how easy it is to put pieces together to compose a possible outcome. educated guess, well informed estimate. it works with people too you know. i recently had a conversation with someone. i asked him a question; nothing personal, just out of curiosity. he told me that "i was curious, and he was mysterious." he doesn't know that i laughed when he said that. it was funny, lol. funny because, he isn't very mysterious at all. he is actually quite transparent. just a little strange. but being strange doesn't make a person mysterious. i didn't tell him he wasn't mysterious. i didn't tell him i can repeat back to him all of the times he contradicted himself by misunderstanding and mis communicating his own speech. he was trying to be elusive, so that was his answer to my question. i guess he was proving to me that he was mysterious? lol. idk what made me think of that, guess its a prime example of people not knowing how easy it is to deduce based on behavioral patterns. he forgot that we have met before i guess. "i remember you, this feeling isn't new."

im babbling again. time to pray, cry, read, study. i have a lot of homework assignments and reading to do. i don't even have the text book, nor will i have access to it until next week. only Allah knows how this will end. *sighs*...amongst other things. Bismillah, and life goes on.

love

old, love.

i found this stored away in some electronic device of mine. i read it, and i love it. personal, but this is how i felt at the moment. i captured it. loserly behinds, lol.

I am a victim. Not of verbal abuse, or some ridiculously obtuse deducement about my personality, life, or appearance. (even if i am, i dont care. lol) . Not of a drive by shooting, or a lollipop thief. Not of a discouraging disappointment of a parent. I'd EVEN like to think that im not a victim of societal subliminal messages. But still, i am a victim. A victim of instability of the heart & mind. A victim of inconsistency. Emptiness of words that i definitely dont believe, but should be able to. I, dear reader, am a victim of the wavering attention span. That sentence should be capitalized, italicized, and in BOLD letters. It hit me like the surface of water after a high dive. And it hurt. Initially, i couldnt help but wonder if it was something about ME that pushes them away. Something that pulls them in, intrigues, compels, inspires. Inspires poetry, texts, emails, visits, a mild obsession. And last but not least, those three small, heavy, hollow words. Just words. Weighty, but empty. Meaningless to the conveyer, tumultuous to the recipient. If the recipient isnt me of course. But it doesnt matter, because it could be. Should be. I want a love that shakes my world up. Off the Richter Scale type shit. But i think. Maybe a bit too much at times. When it comes to this, im usually right though. Like i was saying: the person is there, full immersion going on. Trying to get a full pass to Ninaland. Then, he's gone. Is this some sick game they play to see how far it'll go? I've tried to figure it out, but almost immediately gave up on that because i cant explain why people do what they do. I can only come up with theories, because they are gone. To somebody else, some other place, deeper into themselves. Too deep to explain themselves to little ole me. So im left to let go. Which im pretty good at if i may say so myself

i'm feeling liiiiiike...pain is temporary.

say it, even if you think i won't like it. even if you think it will hurt. do NOT attempt to spare my feelings by telling me lies. like a big ass grizzly with a buzzing bee in its ear, that shit is only going to agitate me. i deal with the truth a whole lot better than a lie. unlike most people, i actually MEAN it when i say that.

somebody called me the other day, and asked me a question. that person then requested that i answer honestly, which i would have anyway. so i did, and he didn't like what i said. i didn't expect the person to like it, but that person shouldn't have expected to hear what he wanted to hear. don't ask for the truth and get upset when you hear/see it.

that's all for now.

smooch

i double dare you to pinky swear.

Hola. So, i am having a bit of an issue understanding something. Better yet, i dont think that its actually ME who is dealing with this issue of comprehension. Why on Gods green Earth would ANY person promise not to hurt another? Just like that. "I promise to never hurt you." B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T. Yes, i had to spell it out. Just for the effect that the extra emphasis had on that statement. We, dear people, are imperfectly human. Totally and completely susceptible to slipping up at ANY given moment. I expect it from others, as well as myself. How can you make a promise, when you KNOW there is no way you can know what would change in your mind, life, or heart? We dont have complete control over these things, and a slight change in ANY of them could alter your reality, as well as anothers.

My point is this, dont make promises you know are close to impossible to keep, then convince yourself you can keep them. Lying to others is unbecoming, but lying to yourself is metaphorical suicide. The promise SHOULD be "I will never consciously, purposely, carelessly, or maliciously cause you pain." A mouthful i know, but it covers all bases. Plus it sounds good, lol. What can i say, the ladies are suckers for all that poetical shit. Especially if we know its sincere. & im pretty good at detecting sincerity. Which reminds me....NEXT BLOG!!!

Until a few minutes from now, peace

simple as that.

So, heres what i think.

Most people 'fall in love' too easily. Far too easily. No real live courtship necessary. Then, even worse than that, they put it on display prematurely for the other party, who probably doesnt deserve even a fraction of that love.

Not ONLY do i think most people 'fall in love' too easily, i also think i know why.

You spend all of this time dreaming and hoping. Waiting for this special type of person to come along and woo. Sweep you off of your feet. Make you feel as light as feathers do. Doodling last names, picturing family life. Fantasizing about perfect pillow talk and spooning. Early morning exchanges of affection and endearment. Incomparable kisses as the prelude to a lovely night. So on and so forth. With all of this fantasizing, you fall in love with the idea of the person who could fill that space in your fantasy. You create a subconscious hope that whomever you end up with will become who you want them to be. When they dont, it doesnt work out and youre disappointed. Busily blaming the other party, when its actually the fault of unrealistic expectations. Think about it, and admit it.

Now im not saying that it is impossible to find that super duper jupiter love. I believe. Im just saying, people dont pay attention. They use new relationships as an intoxicant. Taking hits of the drug that is newness. Allowing emotion derived from a mere fantasy to preceed logic. Emotions take over by them imagining they are about to have what they've been fantasizing about.

LOOK and LISTEN to the person you are with. You know in your heart and soul whether or not this is it. We need to start thinking about these things before entering into relationships. Be honest with ourselves. Dont be a victim of loneliness. That wont take you anywhere near where u need to be. It'll just fill a void until you realize there is alot more missing. Then it starts all over again. Break the cycle.

Fin