one two three.

so, i was looking in the mirror. i noticed that i look different. i have changed, physically. i took my entire self through it, and another self came out of it. intact, more educated, but different. i thought about how much i could change within the next few years. i wondered how i would see myself once the time between then and now has passed. i'm hoping it'll be the opposite of what i feel when i see what i am seeing now.

you know how 'they' say that we are twice helpless children, once adults? we are dependent upon others and their care for us in order to survive twice during the life cycle; once as infants, once being elderly.

having said that, i separated the life cycle in a different manner.

as a child, you learn to live within the limits of containment set by authoritative figures; such as parents or caretakers. you are contained by their ideas of who you should be, and what you should be allowed to do. you are convinced of who you are, sometimes without it needing to be said. you measure how good or bad an action is according to the level of disappointment or anger it would cause them, rather than the by the level of fulfillment you could possibly feel. how you feel doesn't matter. you don't have feelings. nobody can get on your nerves, because "you are too young to even have nerves." the sweet, feeble, obedient, religious individual you appear to be, becomes who you are. that is how people see you. if they don't look into your eyes long enough. if you dare lift your gaze from the floor even though you are surrounded by grown folk. sound familiar? just curious.

you become a young adult. breasts forming, balls dropping, curiosity in full bloom. the hunter, as well as the hunted. after living within the containment of others' expectations, you begin to realize that you are an individual. you begin to see that being on your own isn't so far off after all. before you know it, that time comes. you can choose to live the way some one else thinks you should, or you can live the way you want to. your'e free. nobody to answer to about your personal life and decisions. even if you make a bad one, you take it and learn from it. it is your experience to make the best of.

i always compare this transition to the movement from a parents home to a dorm at the beginning of freshmen year. you can always spot a freshmen. friends over every night, at every party, lots of boys, lots of girls. its like a hunt, for everything but an education. they go into the 'world' and do all of the things they couldn't do while they were at home with their parents, not knowing they would run home after it all comes back to bite them in the ass.

i notice that as adolescents, we tend to be more reserved and religious. more modest, more obedient. adults sing your praises to one another, because you are such a good boy or girl. contained, but good. as soon as you get away from the restrictions of the house you grew up in, its all night life and one night stands. you can't appreciate what you had lived as during childhood, because you were contained rather than taught. nobody cared if you were truly a good person, as long as it looked that way. no depth, shallow, puddle.

after years of mistakes from being on our own, which we somehow justify by saying we were being 'young and dumb,' we become wise. (some)children usually prefer grandparents over parents for a reason. they teach us what they had to learn the hard way; even though they didn't HAVE to learn the hard way. we don't listen, and end up going through the same process.

this does NOT apply to everyone, just a pattern i am beginning to see in a lot of people. definitely doesn't apply to me personally, my grandparents were never a major part of my life. my mother has always been every type of parent for me. she taught me well, loved me better, and i love her more than life itself. i never went through "the freshmen phase" thank ALLAH, but i know plenty that have. its like we start off good, become young adults, use our youth to 'make mistakes' because 'we have time'-when we really don't. the time we should be using our minutes, breaths, and energy to do good is spent doing worthless, sinful things. by the time we realize that those things are a waste of time, we have no physical strength to do good with. we waste potential on worthless activity. we invest time into a market GUARANTEED to crash. it doesn't make any sense to me.

what am i doing? what are WE doing? smoke clears, glitter falls. buildings do too. so will you. act like it. oh Allah, please give me strength. protect me from laziness, wasting time, forgetfulness, and thoughtlessness. oh Allah, give others strength through me. my life is worthless if not spent in remembrance of You, which will remind others of You. Alhamdulillah.

shed tears for your LORD, and no one else. bismillah.