meloveme.

blogging freely. nothing in particular to speak about, just letting a semi-load off.

love is amazing. it has to be the only reason resilience even exists. well, directly connected to it anyway. a subsequence. how else could we go on after we lose one of the most important people in our lives? how else could we be so forgiving when a person drags our beating hearts through the filth of carelessness?

anyway, i was thinking. could you imagine being an entertainer? through all of the very human emotion that we all experience-the pain, the hurt, the loss-the show must go on. i guess when you think about it, we can all relate to that. life doesn't stop for our hurt feelings.

so, i had another dream about douli. they wont stop. this one was sad. i felt like somebody snatched my heart out. he was gone. in all of the other dreams, he was there. smiling, still. living in my mind, through my memories. this one was realities blow to the chest. praying for him, and us.

i am going to be very honest with myself, and anyone who decided on reading this. i have a headache. my chest feels funny. my tummy is a little uneasy. i'm wondering what the point is. wishing i didn't feel this way. wishing i could go back to not caring. unfortunately its not that simple. i'm good, but i'm lost. inside of me. looking for something i want, or even need. problem is i'm looking inside, at what i want-and not outside at what there is. waiting for this idea that i have inside to become tangible. waiting for something outside of me to understand what is inside of me, without me having to make it understand. a soul perhaps. its too much to ask, apparently. not even i believe it'll happen to me. i have accepted this life as a test, fleeting. at this point i cant say that i actually expect anything from anywhere or anyone. i hear about what people can't do for me before i even ask. not that i would have asked anyways. making excuses for promises they never even made. i don't ask them for anything. i shouldn't have to. i shouldn't ask. so i don't. true, fulfilling, respectful, considerate, consistent, substantial love is a gift. the people who are blessed with it are very...blessed. if i could envy anybody for anything worldly, it would be that. luckily, i am too happy for them to be envious.

i had a dream this morning. i wont say who was in it, but i felt the most amazing comfort i have ever felt in a dream. his arms were so strong. they gripped that perfect spot around my waist. not that he needed to do anything else to make me melt, but he kissed that perfect spot on my neck. it just happened. thats just the way that we were. close. laughed. loved. his frame was perfect. tall, strong shoulders, my human teddy bear. mkay, done dreaming for the night. lol

i miss mama. and muffin. and my friends that aren't flakes. i'm going to atlanta this weekend. that means i have to put the pressure on myself to get all of this work done before then. ughh. gosh hes sexy, i wish he was normal.

they don't come to hear us sing there is glitter all over the floor make it light up don't you wish i think you need to i think i need to people are too impressionable susceptible dancing with a toilet???? oh my.

okay i am going to pray. i hope that i become a professional something before i die. i want to be especially good at something. then teach it. then get blessings for it. that don't ever stop. i pray Allah forgives me. i pray that i forgive myself.

can't see straight, can't think straight. maybe thats a good thing. nite

P.S.-ILOVEWHOIWANNALOVE! hehe.