HARD, like medusa staring at it.

i'm making an attempt, an almost failed one, to keep my heart from going cold.

don't get me wrong now. i LOVE love. i love my family, friends, & more than all of that...my religion and all that it entails. but i just don't know. i can't stand to pretend not to expect it to go wrong. i don't think i can be nice about letting it go. i don't feel like being considerate of someone else' inconsideration. since when has THAT been fair? it never has been if you ask me, and it never will be. thats just the way we were made to understand it to be. i will not accept that this is the way it is supposed to be. until i find the shoe that fits, i'd rather just do me. climbing trees, admiring buzzing bees. crying when i need to, doing what i want to.

i wish i could make some people understand what i see. how easy it is to put pieces together to compose a possible outcome. educated guess, well informed estimate. it works with people too you know. i recently had a conversation with someone. i asked him a question; nothing personal, just out of curiosity. he told me that "i was curious, and he was mysterious." he doesn't know that i laughed when he said that. it was funny, lol. funny because, he isn't very mysterious at all. he is actually quite transparent. just a little strange. but being strange doesn't make a person mysterious. i didn't tell him he wasn't mysterious. i didn't tell him i can repeat back to him all of the times he contradicted himself by misunderstanding and mis communicating his own speech. he was trying to be elusive, so that was his answer to my question. i guess he was proving to me that he was mysterious? lol. idk what made me think of that, guess its a prime example of people not knowing how easy it is to deduce based on behavioral patterns. he forgot that we have met before i guess. "i remember you, this feeling isn't new."

im babbling again. time to pray, cry, read, study. i have a lot of homework assignments and reading to do. i don't even have the text book, nor will i have access to it until next week. only Allah knows how this will end. *sighs*...amongst other things. Bismillah, and life goes on.

love