pushing it.

i am going to be totally honest, and admit that i think i force myself to like people. only occasionally, but i definitely think i do it. no, i know i do it.

examples: i met a young lady years ago. we did NOT talk at first, for reasons i am completely unaware of. time progresses, i was my formerly friendly self. we chatted here and there, but it didn't blossom. one night, it did. but i noticed what the reason was. i won't be too explicit because i don't ever want anyone to know who and what i am referring to. today, i think back. i think that the foundation of our friendship is superficial. i don't think she meant it. i felt it then, and i feel it now. she probably just wanted to keep me close, which happens. doesn't bother me any, especially since i can always tell. i think. there was a brief period where i felt as if we were truly friends, on the surface. but i still saw little things that proved to me that we weren't. we haven't spoken in a while, and quite frankly, i don't care. i don't miss her, i never did. i ignored her insincerity in order to keep the peace. now, i'm feeling like its much more peaceful to ignore her altogether.

he didn't want to be alone. i wanted a way out. i didn't know that at the time, but i do now. with much clarity. that isn't what i wanted. he wasn't what i wanted. but by the time i realized that it wasn't that simple, it had already been done. so i forced myself to care. forced a forged love. shouldn't have even given that. i learned what i learned, gained what i gained. had a first, without the love that precedes it. you live, you move forward.

time had passed. busied myself in between. purely entertainment. stayed pure, alhamdulillah. years passed easily, quickly. no longing or needing. gross. then the crowd parted, and he saw me. i think my sub conscience was tired of being single. tired of finding ways out of it. tired of ignoring calls, faux caring. done with turning away. i gave it a shot. heres the kicker: bchelmmtilhim. cant say that out loud. its mean. but its true. my nightmare came true. it ended. i was happy. relieved. my last case of non-love. i forced it because i was tired of being the over cautious, over thinker. i put my doubts to the side, to my own detriment. i was right, and i was wrong. may He protect me from making the same mistake thrice.

don't force it, let it flow. if you have to push it, push it away and watch it go.

there are more, but they are way to secret to share.

signing out with smooches