3:10

for the past 2 days, i have been having these sporadic twinges of nervousness shoot through me. i feel like i've always been sure i would be successful at whatever i chose to do. i always knew i was capable of it. it takes a lot to admit that i've been doubting that during these twinges. asking myself what would happen if it all went wrong. i've arrived to a point in my life where i feel as if i don't have a safety net. i feel like if i fall, everything'll break. i feel like i can't fall. i also know that i'm human, and that it is a possibility. but some part of me is ruling failure out. it can't happen. i have to keep my eyes and mind open. i have to evolve. i have to move forward and press on. i can't wait, there is no time for that. as doors open up, i pray and walk through them. bismillah.

bothered. i can't be one of those women who live for marriage. they want marriage so badly, they settle for loveless ones. never. i live for love. might as well be dead inside if all you settle for are loveless relationships.

i pray that Allah blesses me to focus, stay focused, and to remember Him with and before everything i do. this stress and anxiety will turn to a story i tell my children one day. my babies. i'm coming.

3

i wanna remember pieces of my dream. i lost a few already, but i'll pull whatever i can.

we were all together, and a sexy italian man pulled up in an alleyway to kidnap didi. he grabs her like they just exchanged wedding vows, and she giggles. he threw her into the passenger seat of a red dodge intrepid from 99, and pulls off. she didn't fight the kidnapper at ALL. can't say i blame her, either. rawr.

there was another. jamila was in it. i haven't seen, spoken to, or thought of her too much at all lately. very random. hope she is okay. there was a masjid. we were somewhere else. i think i was falling in love or something. there was shopping. and cupcakes. i cannot remember what it was about, though. it'll come back to me.

i slept more than i have in a while today. i am about to pray for an hour or so, then i'm going right back to sleep. apparently, i need it. i'm exhausted. every time i wake from sleep, i feel sore. that must mean i need to rest.

when i woke up, i realized that i need to be out there helping. i need to go to a place where i can use my actual hands and words to do something. i don't ever feel comfortable donating money to these organizations, with their big fancy buildings and business trips. i just want them to know that love really does exist. i want to hug people who secretly need hugs, but are too afraid to blemish their image by admitting it. i will. inshaAllah.

pre-shower showers.

it's raining. rain is lovely.

i'm home. i feel irritation rising and creating warmth and stinging underneath my skin. people ain't shit. i still believe in them, though. i really do.

off to be productive with my day. i just wanted to publish, in my own words and on my own blog, that people ain't shit.

love me love you.

thought.

he didn't care about any of us.

he cared, but was too afraid to act like it.

he cared about me, and all of those other girls, too.

he cares, but doesn't know how to show it. still.

they all cared too much once i was already gone.

he knew everything, and pretended to want to be anything but all of those things. he let me fall, without extending an outstretched arm to help me up or dust me off.

"what are you here for, if you're not there when i call?"

just me, again. i'm okay with that. honestly. i'm always happier when it's just me. then there's this echo echoing off of walls somewhere inside of me, where love should be. i can feel it, hear it, see it when my eyes close. i'm not ignoring it, or pretending not to feel it. i just don't want to nurture it. i don't want to give it what it calls out for. i want to be with me. so there is this battle between what i want, and what my insides scream out for. i was made to love. and i do. just not in that way right now. i feel it, in a ball, on reserve, waiting to be used. a large, looming, floating, glowing ball of love. for some man, ready to have my babies, somewhere in my future. in my future. not here with me, right now. i made it this way intentionally.

i see them when i meet them. i see them when they slip up and open themselves up, showing me flashes of who they really are. who they'll really be once they think they have me. i turned it off with him. it won't ever go off again. i've learned my lesson. the hard way, for the first time in a while. i went against my own good advice. what a bad idea. and they all sound the same. they all give me the same looks. touching me with their words and eyes. kissing me from across the room, or street. no respect for physical boundary from them, no respect for inside boundaries from me. i wanna see what they think and feel and love. they wanna see what i cover up with my clothes and khimars. how conflicting. you are like a plastic pretty ken doll until i see and want your insides. i don't care what you look like, or what you have, or who else wants you. if you don't fit me, you shall remain plastic and nipple-less and without my love.

i have to learn to be more selfish with this love. i just have to. i understand the need that everyone has to be loved. i feel like nobody should have to be lonely. i can feel it when they pass me, how lonely they are. i want to love them all, and keep them company. i want to cry for them, because they are too embarrassed to. they don't want people to know that they have feelings. i know they do, because i know i do. i want to hug them, and leave them with pieces of me to keep them company when they close their eyes before the tears can come. i have enough love to give to the world. even the stray puppies and men. they are all so lost. i want them to be happy, too. sometimes, i want them to be happy so badly, that i forget that i need to be happy myself.

when you fly, they always tell you this: in case of emergency, secure your oxygen mask before you assist any other passenger. help yourself so that you can help others without killing yourself. my frequent flying comes in handy for more reasons than a few. there is a such thing as being too selfless. you can't give love until you have none left for you to live from. this requires so much concentration from me. even the bad ones, the ones who i know don't deserve it. i just want to pull them out of it. i want them to know that love isn't what they think it is. i want them to know that love isn't only the name of a night club they go to for lust mistaken for love. i need them to know that babies are not mistakes. i need them to know that it's okay to cry. better to, even. the women are afraid because the men are afraid. the men are afraid because the women are afraid. i want them to stop being afraid. feel without fear. i know it's possible. well, it was. i don't know anymore. i think they are too far gone. but as long as i live, i'll fight for it. i'll pull and tug them back into love and life. i can only do it if they let me, though.

the time has come.

so, i'm good.

i haven't cried in a week, which is a veddy long time with the way that i've been feeling lately. i don't get as sick as i use to. my heart doesn't feel like a broken tea cup that's been glued back together. it feels better. i smile again. i joke like normal. but i still have these moments. i remember, and see dark clouds. i let them come and pass, because pushing them away would only be delaying their actual coming. like a shot, hurry up and take it to get it over with. i still don't understand how and when love came to be this way. somebody somewhere started a love rape and drain fest. it created a domino effect. massive amounts of people confused lust for love. they ruined what it meant. they destroyed what it could have meant to those who hadn't a clue. we all have it, but there is this confusion that comes in when learning to channel and express it.

i had to do what i did. i'm sure he didn't mind. i'm positive he didn't care as much as i did. somebody will teach him one day. a day will come when he will be ready to listen. ready to learn. ready to accept the fact that he doesn't know what the hell he's doing. i just wish that it hadn't been me. it wasn't fair, it seemed. but it was meant, because it happened. i'll make better mistakes in the time that is to come.

i've decided that i'm sure that i don't really want to be single. i love being alone, though. there is so much growing and knowing of self while you are alone. but i can't ignore this other large part of me that was created to want to love. i don't want my love to go to waste. i'd rather wait for something great than to waste it by pouring it over all of this sewage mistaken for love that these boys want to dish out. but i wish i didn't have to.

lots of men are coming to me. i don't feel like expending the energy necessary for getting to know any of them. i loved that child so much. it drained me. i hadn't planned on having to do this again. i'm sure he already knew what it was. he probably hasn't missed a beat. that was such a big mistake. once i forgive myself making it, i'll be done with it forever.