decisions, decisions....

salaams

so, there have been some modifications. well, more like i have a plan B and C as usual....lol

i made istikharaa, and insha allah it was accepted. i have made up my mind about the move, but im SUPER nervous. i just pray everything will go well. i mean, i know i am responsible and grown..lol. but this is really a big step for me. moving away alone, into my own place. idk if i want to!!!! sike no i do, im very excited its just weird i guess. i always said i wasnt gonna move out of mothers house unless necessary, so the fact that im doing it and its not...kinda funny. never say never i guess. i am taking a trip at the end of the month to try and straighten things out insha allah, so i pray that goes smoothly. hope im doing the right thing :/

the nerves talking!!! everything is an experience though, so hey..i will take it as it comes:) at least i know i have PLANSSSS...lol

pray for me!
Nina

human

so..there is this situation right. not much of one, it is actually very insignificant to me. the thing is im wondering why it matters so much to other ppl. i am trying to be understanding and put myself in their shoes, but its becoming a nuisance honestly. my thing is this, if you have something to talk to me about, im listening. if you feel some type of way about something that involves me, its highly likely you can find a way to get in touch with me. all the sending subliminals through my friends and fam, that shit is weird. lol. like seriously. well, let me not say that. its all love, no negativity here. to be real, i have no interest in discussing it because there is nothing to discuss. i just dont understand where its coming from, what is it about me that gets them all worked up? who knows, lol

in one case, its very subtle. i mean i just so happened to notice. but thats besides the point. the point is, its nothing. if it was something at this point, there would be no need for assumptions. breathe easy boo:) smooch!

nina

feel!

lately, i have cried. according to my wise and wonderful mother, "crying is healthy, it cleans out your tear ducts..." lol...i loved that it made me laugh.

but i believe it cleans out other things as well. i seem to feel as if im relieving pressure when i cry. because it feels SO good when i let it all out...i would LIKE to cry more often. but its not that simple. i cant force it, but i cant stop it when it comes.

you know what i have noticed about myself though? i cry on the inside. i feel it when it happens. it happens often, actually. it feels like my heart is bleeding, figuratively speaking. my mind goes to another place, i guess to the place where i subconsciously store all of the things i dont want to think about, but dont want to forget. it looks like im not reacting, but i am. crying for one thing turns into crying for hundreds of things i pretended i didnt see. things i brushed off. things i didnt let get to me, but eventually caught up with my thoughts.

so when i let it all out, it becomes more of a lesson than a bad memory. this of course, only applies to things i care about, lol. not the random little annoyances life throws at us. the insignificant things that attempt to make themselves matter in your world by hurting you. making themselves a bad memory in someone elses existence. who knows why, maybe thats the only way they can be remembered...by being infamous.

im blabbing now...k peace!
nina

salaams:)

quote for the day: "I'm a goal, not an option"

just had to get that out of that way, it speaks for itself really...haha

anyways...about this mural business. I have decided to draw the bamboo forest on a vertical canvas instead of on the wall. it just makes more sense, less permanency. then i figured i could just have it framed and take it with me where ever i decide to go next (sad i cant sit still, lol). i think i know exactly how i want it to look...though i am almost positive that will change a bit once i actually carry this task out. things barely come out the way you picture them in your mind I've noticed:)

anywhooooo, i'll get on with my day...

adios

can't believe this....

though it isnt physically apparent, i am freaking out about something. i mean internally im a wreck, my stomach hurts, my chest feels kind of tight, my arms are a bit tense. this feeling is rare rather than unfamiliar. i hate this. where did it come from? i wish i knew, i wish i could control it...
im so used to having complete control over the way that i feel about certain things, and that is why im freaking out right now. because i would NOT feel this way if i had a choice. OM to the G.

ya Allah, lol.... i know myself, i will be over it by tomorrow insha Allah. problem is, i dont wanna feel it at all:-(

sincerely,

NFG

la la land? NOPE!

salaams

okay, so im sitting here carrying out my usual hobby of thinking to myself. during this episode of "nina's thoughts", i recalled a conversation i had with a friend, which just so happens to be a guy. because he observed that i had been married, and wanted to be conclusive about that fact, he says "you are obsessed with the idea of being in love". anyone who knows me knows that i laughed hysterically when i heard his terrible attempt to tell me about myself.
so i, being curious about what brought him to this conclusion, simply asked him "what makes you say that?"...he then proceeds to say "because you keep getting married". im like wow. so because i PREFER to do the right thing and refuse to give freely of my BUSINESS, i sit around drawing hearts, dreaming of the man who will one day sweep me off my feet so we can ride off into the clouds that lead to his magical kingdom across the universe on his pretty stallion. okay, lol.
i wont get into the reasons why i chose to be married, each situation has its own intricate reasoning. my point is, i feel like alot of times the institution of marriage isnt taken seriously. people dont look at it for what it is, what Allah decreed it to be. by some, i would even say few, it has been made into a thing you do when you hear a sappy song or see a mushy movie that overwhelms your emotions, making you feel as if you NEED to be what it says. UGH. its a joke to me that he was trying to say i didnt put any thought into my decisions. but anywhooo, i think i lost my train of thought. lol

im obsessed with getting into Jannah, so insha allah that will happen for me and mine...AMIN

peace to the middle;)

artsy?

so, i am planning to move soon (iA). since this blog is a bit on the low, it shouldnt make much of a difference for me to put that out there. im very nervous, but excited as well. im NOT saying where, but its gonna be funny...lol.
ANYWAYSSSSS, the point is that when i DO move, i plan to do a mural on the wall. i have never done that before, so im very excited. i always wanted to do it in my room, but never made the move for some odd reason. i have an idea of what i want it to be. i think im gonna go for a bamboo forest or something of the sort. and im considering doing it in all black, with all these gorgeous expressive colors to fill it in. they will be subtle though. maybe without the colors, hmmm...i will find a way to make it work insha Allah. im thinking i never made the move because i have to feel inspired. i love when im on my artsy thing, but its VERY sporadic. my aunt suggested i go to school for art, but im like HAH, no. its just fun for me, few and far between. i would hate to be forced to do it for school, that seems sort of draining when its just something to do every once in a while.

well, thats all for now...see u when i get there! ;)

peace