open, pretty brown eyes.

i miss myself. subsequently, i have been on a subconscious turned conscious mission to recover the parts of me that i feel are missing. i still love, but not as hard or as freely. i still hug, but nowhere near as deeply. i still sing, but not as loud. i still smile, but shortly after may frown. i still touch, but i almost always...hesitate. i wanna go ahead and do things, but i keep telling myself to wait.

why?

i wasnt like this. im still not. this has to be me living through her. the side of me i fight, the side of me that i never liked. the side of me that i never really saw, denied it was even there. the side of me that says i don't, when i really do care. isn't that a lie? to me it counts as a lie. to the REAL me anyway. to the other me its just self-derived comfort. she uses a whole lotta fancy nomenclature to make herself feel good. but the real me knows that big, pretty, puffery can be just as substantial as that which fills a bubble. words are only words until you make them mean something. so why say them, when they mean nothing?

lately, i've been really hard on myself about what i say. i joke less, try to be less sarcastic. use less of those words for my own amusement and more for my own reminding. sidebar, lol.

anyways, i have been through some things that proved to be very draining. not crying or complaining about it but it did what it did. in the process of being drained, i lost things. things i loved. things i may never be able to recover in their original form. but i DO believe i can recover them and make them better. modified, refined if you will. it will take a lot of meditation, prayer, cleansing. reading, writing, breathing. but im getting there. i will get there, inshaAllah. and when i do it will be absolutely, beautifully triumphant. i will inhale deeply, and be able to feel my heart do the same. i know the feeling, i just have to find it again. taking the first steps, bismillah.

move, if you want to

nina