yooooooo.

this entry has no order, no focal point, and no real live subject. just so you know.

so, started my photo shoot today. OM to the G. i'm pretty sure they will be lovely, but WHAT is my issue? man oh man. i am so super hyper conscious of the camera. that is my problem. its almost invasive. sees things i don't want it to. flaws i try to deflect attention from. flaws i have embraced, but still don't care to share. but my friend pointed something out to me today. who's standard of beauty am i basing these things off of? thats a relevant question for some, but its not about beauty with me. it isn't insecurity either. i think its just the idea of me being visible, a spectacle. i never really liked that believe it or not. i remember at my wedding, i was uber uncomfortable because i was surrounded by people i didn't know and they were ALL looking at me. i mean, its a wedding and to be expected. but still, it was nowhere near as personal as i would have liked it to be. i like to choose who looks at me. strange i know, lol.

but with every click of the camera, i realized and remembered the best photos are of things in their natural state. at least by my standards they are. when someone wants to remember you, they want to remember you as you are now. now is all they see at the moment, and if captured it can be remembered more clearly. i want to laugh, genuinely, and for it to be captured...candidly. when i see the picture, i want to see what i looked like to my friends every time they made me laugh. i don't want to look constipated and uncomfortable because i don't know what to do next, lol. i think that after todays session, i have a better idea of how to take photos, and hopefully when we reconvene on Saturday i will be much more tolerable:)

anyhows, i'm gonna take a movie break. i'm pretty sure my next entry will be about marriage. yeaup, sure will. ttyl & smooch

nina