i just had a moment.

i thought about my first time. i almost had a panic attack. i cried. i wasn't ready for that, for any of it. nothing good came of it. he didn't deserve me. he didn't deserve that. i never thought of it much until now. i never cried until now. i never feared for a girl losing her innocence prematurely as much as i do now. i never feared for a girl being inflicted with so much unnecessary pain until now. i never feared for her mistreatment as much as i do now. oh Allah, please protect my babies. ameen.

no words.

so, i am having a really hard time dealing with something. maybe i am being dramatic, but in my mind it's totally worth the energy being exerted through my over thinking. call me crazy, but i feel love. not the scary kind. not the run and hide kind. not the i shouldn't feel this but i will anyway kind. its the kind i want to feel. clean. i feel like we are both smart enough to understand whats happening here. i'm sad because i feel like it can be worked out. i feel like he doesn't share my optimism. i feel like i miss him already. i feel like i don't want this to be it. too much is right for it to go wrong. for it to be wrong. i can't sleep because i feel what he feels. already. i bet he's sleeping. i bet he isn't. then there is the bigger issue. though i have yet to attain my crystal clear clarity, i already feel like our individual beliefs will remain in opposition. you can never know too much. don't be afraid to hear what you don't want to hear. you cannot possibly be sure when you're unsure. the definition of innovation IS multi-faceted. bismillah. tears. strength. i wonder if i'm the only one who cares so much. no. *sighs* . i'm out.

fever.

so, i have a serious fever right now. my face feels like it is burning from the inside out. my head is pounding. i can feel/hear my heart beat. ohhhh, what fun.

i think i'm developing a different type of fever along with it though. i don't know whats happening in my mind or heart, but i see a projection of the possibilities. something is whispering about someone. this is strange. i think i'm going to erase it. its too much for me. i can't talk about it yet. i'm not ready to. but something is spouting. AH! weed killer, weed killer! go away!

i think i'm gonna write a poem, and call it fever. lets see how this one comes out. apparently i'm a love poem kinda girl. i'm best at those. i got the heart for it. poww wow owww!

night loves.