so, i just realized something. i have evolved from being an insightful, happy, buoyant individual, to being mighty melancholy. i fight with myself every single day of my life to find that place of happy, careful, carelessness again. i'm still me, but i miss her. i want her back. i over think to the point of pain. i almost always expect the worst, even though i am well aware of that fact that i should ONLY always prepare for it. i think this trip i am planning will take me to my happy place. i need to see something other than this. be somewhere other than here. physically step outside of the world my mind has already fled.

but then there is this fear of missing something. missing someone. my being needed, but unavailable. too far to be reached. too wrapped up in my own affairs, my own freedom to realize that i am needed. they are few, but they need me. since i am not permitted to need, i must accept my role in their lives as the needed. i will not allow this responsibility to stop me from living and learning, but clearly i allow it to limit one or both. i hate to admit it, but it is true. for myself and many others. we don't live for ourselves. if we do, we are selfish and myopic. when we don't, we suffer and deprive. finding my balance. hoping it will come soon.

bismillah, at the beginning and end.