permanent marker.

he came here when i didn't want him. he stayed, even when i tried to wash him away. he stained my skin like permanent marker. scribbled sloppily over precious pages of my life. i've scarred and turned red from trying to rub him off.

he pushed his way into my thoughts and into my love. he slithered up my stairs and into my room. he lied his way into my chest. what a mirage of a man.

he loved me before i liked him. he loved me. he loved me. he stayed here. he showed up. he wouldn't go when i asked him to. he wouldn't be quiet when i needed the silence necessary for tuning him out. so i loved him back. because he loved me. because i thought he wanted to.

i loved him. i loved him. i loved him until he sat on the surface of and underneath my skin and thoughts. until we shared morning breath and small habits i am still fighting to forget. i bite at them with chipped teeth. i sing to stop myself from crying when i think of the pain. i cry because it doesn't work.

i swear, i don't love him. i swear, i don't miss him. i swear - i only miss the pieces of me that i left for him and he left sitting there. i could tell that abandonment wasn't a new sport, for him. i could tell he was accustomed to sweeping broken promises underneath area rugs and referring to the tears of torn lovers as raindrops. i knew. but i didn't. i should have been more careful.

i was never afraid, until i stopped loving him.

i was really happy before i loved him.

i'm still happy, but there's this crack in it.

i lost something back there.

i'll fill it's space with something even better.

boys and friends.

he said i was bad for him. i asked him why. this is what he told me:

cause see... your all "sad biddy"

and my hero complex will make me want to save you.

But your also not into being saved.

And your far...

and your fun (which will make me like you and not care that your far)

so yeah

chasing you is like...

i dont know..

bad for my health or something

three days deep.

I tried to cry myself to sleep. I'm still awake.

Day three of Ramadan. I'm indubitably in love with this month. When it leaves me, I think i'll suffer as if my lover is being seen off to war. I have to be honest, though. I've been left alone with my thoughts and feelings. I'm sad, and overwhelmingly lonely. I've prayed alone, i've eaten alone, i've made dua'a alone. I see others talking about friends and sisterhood and love. I wish I could borrow some of theirs. I want to pray with people that I care about, and several wonderful strangers. I want to cry comfortably, and for my heart to swell from happiness. I want not to feel so damaged. I haven't been able to shake this stabbing, throbbing loneliness ever since... Ya Allah, heal me and help me. Increase me in Imaan and nur and knowledge. Protect me from hypocrisy and apostacy and blasphemy. Save my family and myself from the fire. May our fasts be accepted and our sins pardoned. Ameen.

But, listen - I still feel like my life has been tossed and turned downward. I'm still hurting. It still stings like yesterday. Nothing can help besides my Lord allowing me to heal. I battle with this every single day. It makes my limbs tired and achy. My spirit has been battered. Pray for me, please.