under my skin, over my soul.

Highs and lows. Lately more of the latter. I feel like i want so many things that i dont have. Im not even speaking in terms of materialism; well at least not strictly. Its almost consuming, trying to attain things you dont have. Wait. Not almost. It definitely is. I find that more often than not, when im sad its because of what i couldve, shouldve, wouldve, want to. It always only lasts for a few moments. But its new to a person who doesnt usually dwell. I feel so...human. i hate to admit that i even feel this way. It secretly and quietly brings me to tears when i see graduation pictures, hear stories of places i have never been to, feel the relief of a person who has, at last, completed something they formerly began. I want to be free. I feel like my mind is a slave to my desires at times. My heart longs for what it does not have, and i fear that longing may one day overshadow my grateful. I doubt that, seriously. I am far too blessed to be completely consumed with desires. I guess the issue i have with me is that i see my potential, and i see where i am at. Life moves much more slowly than my mind does, but much faster than my body can keep up with. Im 10 years ahead, and ten steps behind. Talking about it doesnt help, i already believe nobody REALLY listens. Writing, its band-aid like. The more i write, and if i like, the more alleviation i feel. Tears of Ink. Yup.

visualize THAT.

yoooo.

so i have been making plans, but we all know how much my brain scatters. because i am very aware of my ability to forget random bits of imperative information, i have decided to compose a vision board. for now, i know it will include photos, menus, people, cost research, building research, questions of salvage value and competition. marketing tactics, opinions, motivation, love. visuals, drawings, recipes, logos. ideas for expansion, which may put me a little ahead of myself but why not. lol. playlists, lighting, atmosphere, colors, furniture, design. local art auctioning, periodical open mics, launching and grand opening week. it might be too soon to pick a date, but maybe i will be ready to do that in a few months. i will only discuss it with people i plan to involve, and only at the point that i decide to involve them. not on a maybe. inshaAllah my intentions will remain pure. i am not in it to be commended, recognized, or applauded by peers. with a bismillah on my lips, i take the leap.

i can do this.

peace

pressure.

hola dear blog.

subhanAllah. i could be very stressed right now. it would probably be completely justifiable to feel that way with everything that is going on. i'm not going to complain. i'm not going to tear. i'm not going to break. i'm not going to ask. i'm not going to tell. i am going to pray, & humble myself before my Lord. He is the ONLY One who can change my circumstance. of course i have to be proactive in that change as well, and i very much plan to be. i just have to take a few steps i've been avoiding. i am going to shake it off & keep it going. inshaAllah it will all be worth it.

sidebar: happy birthday to meeee. and i love my mother so much. she is amazing, inspirational, sweet, generous beyond her means, nurturing, sustaining, loving. i don't know what i would do without her. may Allah grant her Jannah.

grind time

peace

random, but...

so, i am on a mission to get into emory law. inshaAllah it will happen for me. pray that i can keep my intentions pure, grades high, stay focused. so many benefits would come along with that. i get to live with my mama cita, yay! other crap that i don't feel like mentioning. AND...drumroll please...Kathleen Cleaver is a professor of law there. i would be super inspired if she was to be my teacher. i mean, i would be like bringing her apples and sh*t, lol. i wouldnt, but i would definitely be inspired. i'm gonna have to step my game up as far a preparation.

bismillah

insomniatic rants II

wow.

why does it seem as if i sleep when i don't need to, and i am awake when i am trying to sleep? it is 2:40am. i do not need to be awake right now. my plan was to go to bed, wake up early, get to work. but nooooooo, i can't sleep. there must be a reason. i think i think too much. hmm. scattered thoughts, no good. i have texts to return, phone calls to make, papers to write, a 7 chapter accounting midterm to study for, about 3 accounting homework assignments to turn in. i need to move, put that desk together or sell it, spend money, get money back, read, pray. laundry. how on earth could i sleep? wow. maybe if i got some of it done i could sleep in peace. i have to think of the rest of my weekend in terms of hours. not first half of the day, tomorrow night, nope. i will not go to sleep until i don't know im about to go to sleep. grind.

sb: my skin is hot again. know what that means, smh. its like i can see the heat leaving my pores. amazing.

k, work to do. let me shower to wake myself up first. smooch.