healing/growing pains.

i've been kind of absent. partly because i have not been inspired to spill my guts all over the internet, partly because i felt ashamed that i have been spilling my guts all over the internet. i felt so open, and vulnerable. i felt like i sliced myself open and put it on display. exploitation, almost. then i thought about it a bit more, and realized that you can only feel the way that i felt if you are overly concerned with what others think and feel. i'm not. i was writing for me. it didn't need to stay inside of me. it was like spoiled milk and stagnant water. i needed to move it. it needed to be thrown out.

now i feel better. when i think of everything that happened, it still hurts something inside of me, though. sends a little twinge of anxiety through me. makes me want to run to the bathroom with imaginary sickness. but it's real, i'm not imagining it.

can i say, that i blame myself almost wholly? i do. i wasn't myself as usual. i was tired of being so excessively cautious. i was tired of projecting, and pre-calculating the next move. i was tired of being right. i was tired of pretending to be disappointed due to expectations that failed to materialize - when i never expected anything from them to begin with. i didn't react when craziness ensued, because i expected for those things to happen. i didn't need time to heal an attempted gun shot wound to a bullet proof vest. i finally allowed myself to feel without expecting anything but love in return. damn expectations. you know that team game they make you play in middle school, where you fall back into the arms of a team mate? the trust exercise. i feel like this was like that, but i fell on my ass. i'm still not, and never will be one of those women who walk around screaming I CAN'T TRUST NOBODY. senseless. you wouldn't have to trust anyone if you didn't give them anything to be trusted with. if you don't want anyone to know, don't tell anybody. if you don't want your feelings crushed, keep it moderate.

i pray that we all find a balance between being careful and living freely. i have faith in it's existence. i'm looking, ya'll.

i hope that nobody will ever try and critique my blog. i really do. i type what i want, how i want, when i want, by myself. lol.

my nerves are a mess. i can't believe i let this do this to me. ya Allah. heal me PLEASE! i won't do it again. inshaAllah. *sighs*