cookie.

i'm sitting here, eating my oatmeal raisin cookie, thinking, feeling, sick. i tire of speaking of love sometimes. i really do. it builds me up, tears me apart, makes me sick, gives me life. sometimes i feel like i could die from the pain i feel from losing it. it has such a magnificent presence in my life. in my mind. even when i'm tired of it (now) i still can't seem to shake the thoughts and feelings. i will talk about it until i have nothing else to say. no breath holding, it might hurt you.

my stomach feels awful, because i keep seeing him in my news feed. commenting, promoting, showing love to everyone but me. responding to everyone but me. i think he loves facebook. facebook is torture. i hate it. it shows me things i don't want to see. yesterday, i go to my live feed. i see that he commented on some girls photo. i don't know why it was in my news feed, i don't even have her as a friend. what he said kinda stabbed me in the ovaries a little. i know he wouldn't have wanted me to see that. i know he didn't think i would. i wasn't looking for it, it just showed up at the top of my computer screen. shit.

lady bugs - it is not normal for a man you are with, and love very much, to leave you sitting alone at ANY event the two of you attend together. if it happens - just one of many signs that you need to haul ASS.

the only reason i'm a little on the sad side today is because i feel like i did this to myself. and because i don't understand how it could go from what it was, to this. how could you care that much, and then just not care at all? imperfectly human, i suppose. the both of us. i should have protected myself, and he shouldn't have pretended that he wanted to do it for me. let go, or be dragged.

frown.