fight.

i swear, everyday is like a fight between my heart and the world. the world is pushing through the doorway into my heart. i won't let it in. if i do, it'll be all blackened and dirty and cajun. like i let a load of reckless misbehaved children inside after a rugby game - and allowed them to continue the game on my new white carpet.

it amazes me, i mean truly amazes me, that people to whom you give love and other things can be so awful to you. i never remember what i have done for people, until somebody else reminds me. you can open your home, body, kitchen, and life up to people - and mean to offer them nothing but goodness. watch what you get in return. i can admit that i'm still a little hurt about the fact that i was so sick, and the people who were here when it was convenient/beneficial for them were nowhere to be found. not even a simple ass phone call to at least SEEM concerned. i was an absolute mess for 3 to 4 weeks. nothing. people i would have gladly nursed back to health - or at least comforted them through the pain if there was nothing i could do. even the person i was with spoke with co-workers more than he checked on me. then to rub it in? ya Allah. remove all awful people from my heart. forgive me if i am wrong. please remove the evil from them and myself. i pray that we can all eventually come to see our own faults, and become better thereafter. ameen.