free me

my darling blog.

it has been far too long. i admit that i have taken up a few alternative methods for expressing my thoughts. one of which is a notebook i recently purchased from the favorite store, UO. on the front of the notebook, it reads "this is where i keep my secrets". just because that is what it says, doesnt necessarily make it true. words form lies as easily as they form a compound. but i CAN say that what it contains is completely honest, though vague as i usually am. enough for the prelude of the prelude.

it's about 5 minutes past 6am. im in Atlanta, sitting next to an open window in a room of my mothers house. its raining, birds singing. the breeze is as lovely as it always is this time of morning. refreshing, inspiring, reminiscent of mornings past. im thinking, typical of me. my thought process is taking its same course, moving much faster than the rest of me can. my heart included. i confess, im crying. i also confess that for the first time in years, i can openly and honestly say that i regret a few things. i think back to when people have asked me if there are things that i regret. my answer would always be no. sometimes even before they would ask, i would feel the questions almost ominous approach and answer it previous to its escape. i would say no regrets, i lived & learned, gained what i could from the situations, everything is as it should be. NOT. i refuse to get into detail about my regrets, on this blog or in conversation. but i will say this, my feelings of regret, my recurring thoughts of what i should have done...will stay here. on this page, at this time, in this place. i will promise myself that at anytime in the future, what i should have done will be what i did. inshaAllah this promise holds substance, and i can hold on to it for myself and for those i choose to love.

every morning, when im awake around this time, i think of the angel of death. i think about how he visits us all 5 times a day, and that one of those visits will be the last. i think about my grave, my janazah. i wonder, deeply, how i will have effected the people i left behind. i wonder if anything i have shared, given, said..will be of any benefit in this life and the next. i hope that i have been a good daughter, friend, sister, wife, student, teacher, muslimah. i pray that the rest of the time i have left on this earth, in this life, will only send me in the direction of betterment. i pray that when i die, it is in peace, without fear, in a state of pure Islam. i have a whole lot of work to do. may Allah protect me from laziness, and increase me in strength, patience, & iman. may we be blessed to be surrounded by good people who will remind, and for us to be good people who remind. no weakness, no exceptions. AMIN

love.