my baby.

i'm having a baby. not today, but one day. i feel too unstable. i wonder if that'll stop me. i don't mind the pain, i need it. i deserve it. i want it. that must mean eliminating it would be for others. kill me now. die in my sleep. i want to live. i wonder what it wants. i wonder if it wants. if so i want it. he is the love of my life. none of this makes sense. to either of us. don't ask me what i mean, i wouldn't tell you anyway. life is crazy, and explicit, and real. it isn't a painting, or an airbrushed photograph. if it was a photograph it would be like a polaroid. or a candid photo from a disposable camera. no changing, just dealing. if you don't like it, throw it in the trash. i want to keep it, even though i don't like it. even though i don't like it, i'm madly in love. i feel my insides burning and being ripped apart. i want to leave school. i want to leave my house. i want to stop paying a cable bill for shows that show up on a television that i don't even turn on. i want to leave the place that makes me feel like a martian. i want to be forgiven and blessed. i want to be loved for no good reason, but for very good reasons as well. i want to cry, right now. i feel it in my chest. something is stopping me from freeing it. maybe my body wants to keep my tears today. hold on to them, since i've been freeing them so frequently as of late. i want what i want, not what they want for me. FUCK what people think. they don't know shit anyway.

i'm so lost. you can't find me. i'll return shortly, so please don't try. not that anyone cares enough to come looking.

the tears finally came. i love you more than i love myself. this must be worse than suicide.