hmm.

i'm sad. the part of my soul that loves feels like it loves alone. it doesn't, but the love coming in from the outside doesn't know how to channel itself appropriately. i hate being in love. it hurts. and nobody can match it. it's like when i'm alone, i'm alone. then it's like when i'm not alone, i'm alone. it makes me sad. its hopeless. maybe. maybe i should just give up. i have no idea what i'm doing, but i hate to admit it to myself or to anyone else. at the same time i know what i'm doing. i'm a walking, talking contradiction of a human being. my love is otherworldly and overwhelming and i should just spend my life giving small bits and pieces of it. but i don't want to. i want to love like a waterfall. drown you in it. and you better love it. but they don't. its scary for people to see something they have never seen before. it can be hard to swallow something bigger than your being. love is bigger. so big it hurts, splits me open like an over-inflated balloon that goes pop. i can't make my pain make sense to him, or anyone else. it's painful. i thought he would be the one to understand, but i don't think he wants to. i think he does, but he's afraid to. even worse, he is afraid to admit that he's afraid. walking in circles. crying in circles. i'm tired. good night.