3/15

i don't know a thing. only pieces of what i've gathered in passing. i wish i was smart. i must be by someones standards to have made it this far without trying, but i still fail to meet my own. i hate memorizing names. its awful i know, but i don't want to do it. i have to in many cases, but if it were up to me i wouldn't ever. i know faces, smells, textures, sounds. i know styles and similarities, changes even. they mean so much, names do. they say so much. but most of the names they tell me to know do not belong to very favorable characters. i want to learn all of the names of beautiful souls, and those promised jannah without even knowing that they deserved it. i wish i knew what they did, and that i could do it better. i wish i knew their faces, and their scents. i wish i could embrace them, and exchange pieces of our endless love for whatever we may love.

so, here's the deal. i'm grateful that not too many people read my blog, and for the fact that the people who do read my blog don't spend very much time with me. off i go: a lot going on, emotional flux and instability. indecisive, yes. irrational, no. i'm told to step into reality, as if there is any other place for me to be, and i say you're the worst. retort: 'your the f'n worst!!! you talking stupid!'. my reply: 'sweet.' apparently i am a mistake. i let it go, and instead of an apology, i am asked if i'm bipolar. nice, right? today comes, calls and texts go unanswered. facebook status says i'm on the plane, pray for me family. facebook gets more love than i do. my phone says nothing of the sort. even nicer. it is now 1:41am, still nothing. hasn't talked to my brother, hasn't told his parents who i am to him, silently insults me-possibly w/o realizing it. draws tears and blood and sad. i thought we had passed this. i don't like being upset. it makes me uneasy. this isn't my reality. this is somebody else'. it's so soon, too soon. if we love one another i should never feel excluded by you. period. guess this is it.

love, even through the bubble guts.