guess.

if only i could live in a world where it wouldn't be considered a weakness to care more than another. few eyes have the privilege of seeing that it actually takes more strength than weakness to be caring continuously. the weakness comes in ONLY when you allow your kindness to be taken advantage of. only when you allow yourself to become a door mat. there is a difference between being caring because you are genuine and loving, and being nice because its easier than standing up for yourself.

i've discovered, over time, that people like to be mistreated. they prefer to be yelled at, cursed at, harshly spoken to. they prefer to be ignored over being minded. they are attracted to those who pay them no mind. they mistreat the people who they know are loyal to them. i don't get it. it will never add up or make sense. there is a flaw in the equation. a flaw of character. whats sad is that this flaw is so widely distributed. was there a secret class that i missed the memo for? or is everyone playing copy cat and being impressed upon by their incapable comrades? the list of questions could be endless.

seems like every time i decide to love someone, i live to regret it. i never make it to the threshold leading to this alternate realm called 'being in love.' if i considered myself to be a hitchhiker en route to such a place, it's easy to suppose that i've been traveling down a closed road. or a deserted one. maybe, just maybe, i've been bypassed and not picked up. friends would say that i fanned the drivers away as they pulled over to offer me a ride. i'd say i didn't hear him because he didn't speak loudly enough; or that he had tinted windows. besides, i would never hitch a ride with a man of questionable character. have to check his plates, how clean his car is, engine light, how close the tank is to E, whether or not he looks like a pit stop rapist.

it's crazy that i'm comparing finding love to hitchhiking; but if you ask me, both are taking a pretty weighty chance. chances with your heart, chances with your life. i could just play it safe and keep walking. when i think about it, though, playing it safe will only leave me tired, parched, and alone...until i am forced by circumstance to stop. death. life passed me by in passing cars, and i kept walking. i don't want to have that thought. i don't want to harbor that regret.

so i thought i was sure, but now i'm not. i do love him, indubitably. but i feel like something is different. just that quickly. something isn't right. something isn't being said. he's avoiding it, i'm looking out for what it could be. intuition kicking in like the hind legs of a horse. i can't shake it. i wonder exactly what it is. exactly what pushes them to this. i'm everything, then i'm nothing. as soon as i disappear they want it back. i think i know what it is, but i don't find assumptions to be very favorable. i don't want somebody to be here just because they promised they wouldn't leave. i want somebody to be here because they actually want to be here. i understand that most people have no control over fluctuations of emotional inclination, but i wish that they could at least be honest.

it would be lovely if i didn't have to play the guessing game. if i didn't have room to make assumptions because i had people in my life who knew how to communicate. the sad part about it is, i'm almost always right. damn.

ya Allah, please increase me in imaan & strength. ameen.