honest admission of being afraid.

i'm afraid that i've given too much of me. most moments i don't think of it this way. i usually feel as if i have only given pieces of me, on loan. but in this moment, where i am choosing to be honest with my blog and myself, i am admitting to being fully and completely conscious of the fact that i give too much of me. sad part is people don't even realize how much of me i give to them. i have some sort of disorder that prevents me from showing the ridiculous amount of love that i exude. they always feel it though. well, at least the hyper-sensitive ones do. sometimes some feel it a little too late, delayed sense of things. when i feel like i'm doing too much, and it isn't being reciprocated, i pull/step back. it hurts, honestly. to feel as if my love could never be matched. it's such a lonely existence.

i cry everyday. i plan to start recording what pushed me to tears from this day on. on until i stop recording it. it'll get old probably. i'll try and be consistent this time.

today: my chest is swelling. face grimaced and grinched up. lip poked out. nostrils flared. eyes welled up with tears that'll soon flow like water from a distressed spout. i hate being ignored by people that i would never ignore. that i couldn't ignore if i tried to. i want my heart back. they've started.