this could be.

i have to be honest. i need to make my point. i require that i communicate whatever is weighing down the tip of my tongue sufficiently in order for me to be satisfied. even if i never intend to revisit whatever i release from my fiery fingertips - i always want to ensure that if i decided to do so, that i would remember every ache and reason to smile. i'm afraid that i have failed to award myself the goodness of morphing my aches into pleasurable moans through pen. i'm afraid that the intensity could be fleeting, though i know this isn't the case. (fear always has a way of forcing you into feeling it for impossibilities. possibilities just as equally.) i came here to tell me the truth. guess i'll get to it. nothing feels fiery anymore. the good kind of burning. the possibility of love use to leave me breathless in a park filled with greenery; it made my body ache from missing the presence of who i could have potentially felt it for. i would daydream of what i desired, and plan the life we'd have when we found one another. i was so sure he existed, because i was sure that i did. i do exist, but not as i did before now. i knew which words i would whisper in his ear once he was close enough. i knew where i would touch him, and exactly how softly i'd do it. i have lipstick that i'm saving for kissing the beginning of his spine. i made sure it stained my lips, and imagined that it would be the closest thing to a tattoo that i could leave to color his skin. i wanted to make him understand the parts of me that he'd have access to once he has me. i wanted to teach him, without words, exactly what to do with them. i thought i found this magical man disguised as mediocrity. he turned out to be much less than that. then, i found my man. i've recently decided that he could possibly be my forever crush. i don't like that line. it's partially romantic, and hints at me being unsure. without exploring the detail of my thought process, one could easily dismiss this as me being unsure. i know me well enough to know that it's never that simple, though. i'm not comfortable yet. i deal with abandonment issues. until i am settled with the idea of him being a constant cause and cure in my life - i just can't. i hesitantly admit that i've accepted his role as the ultimate leader in all of this, and that i will not be sure until i know that he is. he says that he is, but i have to see it - and feel it even more than that. i love him. i'm afraid. i hate to admit that, but it's true. all of the insecurity that i've never felt, this man has managed to magnetically bring to the surface. i feel uneasy much more often than i feel very loved. the way we began is the source of this. over time and through good counsel, he has managed to start down the road to what i knew he could potentially become. there have been countless false alarms of this same thing taking place, which is why i am having trouble adjusting to the fact that it finally is. like the girl who falsely cried wolf until she really needed to and had nobody to believe her. i can tell he means it, and i know that he is better, but this must be what post-trauma does to people. i'm seeing through the lens of a former me rather than buying a new pair of glasses. needing to be reassured is an annoyance, to say the least. i don't want to need or be either of those things. he's amazing. but he hurt me. repeatedly. lord knows what could have possibly kept me around, because i sure don't. my ego was being tossed around like a busted softball. it's bruised. i've finally allowed someone to have me questioning my beauty. i feel half as alluring, and nowhere near as attractive. all in comparison to the me that i was a few years back. possibly even the me that i was last summer. i'll admit that i have moments when i daydream of a whole entire and respectable love from its very beginning. it'd be nice not to think of what he could be doing during those moments that my mind is left to wander. i only want to think that he's thinking of me. this always makes me wonder where i actually want to be. i want to know that he wants to know me, and make me happy. i need to feel like a man wants to love me more than he wants to possess me, for once. i want to feel like a companion, and not an item that was won and is now being showcased. it's always the same thing. he has to give me something different. it's easy for me to write this down and publish it because i know he doesn't actively seek to read the things that i put out. if he does, then he deserves to know. if he can handle knowing, then he'll figure out what to do to fix it. i need to heal. i want to let him know me. i think that i can, if i stop thinking of what was and start to look at what is. Bismillah.