here, now.

i've been crying for almost an hour, now.

i prayed fajr, and could barely breathe from the gasping. i try to muffle the sounds by contracting the muscles in my throat. i don't want to be hugged, or petted. i don't tear for attention. i went into the bathroom and turned on the hot water. i leaned into the sink to eat up the hot steam running from the faucet. i watched my pain fall in the form of tears into the sink through blurred vision. i heard the sound of me choking. thoughts of death came to me. thoughts of relief and a nonexistent rest stop i've been chasing.

it's been harder for me to cry. lately, i've had to force myself. i know that i need it. i know that to retain the salty teary pain would only be harmful for me. i can feel myself closing up. secretly losing hope. whispering to myself that a girl can dream, but she always wakes up to the same world that she slept to get away from.

we are all so very fucked up. all in pursuit of love. to be loved. we chase it and kill parts of ourselves for something that is not meant to be chased. they forgot to tell us that we should have been more important to ourselves than finding love is. wait. they didn't forget. they just never knew for themselves. our mothers aren't with our fathers. our fathers are only there when we force them to be. when they find courageous moments where they can peep over the monstrous wall of guilt that they've built between us and themselves. a wall made of should haves and would haves. a wall held together by soon-to-be-broken promises and blame games. our lovers have become what our fathers were. weak. lost. multiple cases of an illness i'd call - lovers ineptitude.

i cried for our pain. i cried for what we've always wanted and have never experienced. true love can't be given or received in pieces. who made anyone believe that this was possible?

it amazes me how primary this pursuit of love is for us all. even the heart breakers and attention hoards are proof of our insatiable desire for love. it makes me sad to know that there are so many lovers who never intend to love the same way in return. who rob people of their love. curse the people who create a space in other's lives with no intent to fill them. leaving big gaping holes in the spaces that they were expected to pour love and life into.

i don't want to give up. i'm praying for my heart to be healed.

i need a gun.